


Keep your head down

by tay_tay19



Series: Be mine [2]
Category: Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Amnesia, Cheating, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 31,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3709077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tay_tay19/pseuds/tay_tay19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Sequel to he is my keeper]</p><p>It's been two years since Patrick's ordeal finally came to an end. While many of his memories may never be recovered he's determined to move forward and leave it behind him. But he can't shake the feeling that he's forgotten someone important. When he discovers the identity of the man in his memories Patrick is forced to face the past that he was so eager to forget about.</p><p>For two years Pete's stayed in a mental institution learning how to cope with his sickness and doing his best to become a better Person. Now he's finally free to leave and the only thing on his mind is making amends to the people he has hurt and taking Patrick on the best date he's ever been on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feel like I'm healing

**Author's Note:**

> **Hey guys just as promised the sequel to He is my keeper is here! I hope you all enjoy it as much as you enjoyed the first book. I'll do my best to make it interesting. I got a lot of inspiration for this story (and the name and chapter names) from TVXQ's song "keep your head down". ******

          During one of his first interviews on a radio show the host asked him to describe his life in one word and it really stumped Patrick, because he had no one word that would fit it. He told her 'hectic' but that wasn't right. Yeah things got kind for crazy fast but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. The words he thought would fit best, confusing, lost, painful, empty, would only bring him negative attention and force him to reveal parts of himself that he didn't want the world to see. They would lead to questions that he had no answers to. There was a good deal of memories he was still missing and he always feels like there's this hole inside him. He feels like a jigsaw puzzle bought from a yard sale with missing pieces.

  
          Two years, eight months, fifteen days, that's how long its been since Patrick was released from the hospital. He was kidnapped and held prisoner for nearly six months is what he was told. His kidnapper somehow erased all of his memories and made him believe they were married. He was told that his kidnapper ruined his long term memory and that he may never get it back. But he doesn't feel like it happened to him. More like just a story he heard on the news. How could he have thought he was someones husband for six months and not have a single memory of it. How could he have been experimented on and not remember any of the pain.

  
          His therapist tells him that he may have repressed his memories. That whatever happened to him was so horrible his subconscious locked the memories away to protect him. Andy and Joe think that his kidnapper must have snuck in and erased all of Patrick's memories to avoid getting in trouble. They told Patrick guys name but he never pressed charges. Just the idea filled him with guilt. He knew that he was safe, he couldn't explain how but he was positive.

  
          He was a new person now and he saw no reason to bring up the past or even think about it for that matter. He'd gotten down to a healthy weight and his daily routines and diet made him feel good about himself. He was more confident than he had ever beem and he was finally reaching his dreams. He got out of his shell and was ready to share his voice with the world. He formed a band with Andy and Joe shortly after they returned from their honeymoon and after three shows they were approached by a representative from the record label fueled by ramen.  
Now they had their first album out and people really liked it. They've been travelling the country for months selling out almost every venue they play at. While they get homesick and they get tired of sleeping in their van none of them would trade if for anything. This was the life they had all dreamed of and it was finally theirs. They knew that as long as they continued to persue it that soon the van would be traded for a bus and the national tour would become a world tour. They were already busy working on their second album, recording it whenever they had enough time and money and they were positive it would be an even bigger hit than the first.

  
          For Patrick life was good, but sometimes when he was the only one awake and he had nothing to distract him but an empty road ahead of his his mind would be filled with a memory that he couldn't place, well not so much a memory but a voice. A voice telling him how talented and how perfect he was. It would tell him how loved he was and that nothing would ever hurt him again. Patrick made sure not to tell anyone about the voice, not even his therapist. He was afraid of losing the warm feellings that the voice gave him and sometimes if he focused really hard he could picture a pair of chocolate brown eyes and a big toothy smile. He was positive that whoever this person was He was important to Patrick at one point. He hated the man that kidnapped him for erasing this person from his memory. He wanted more than anything to see this man again and sometimes he'd catch himself searching the crowds at their shows just waiting to see those eyes looking back at him. Wanted to see that smile spread across the mans face. But always he ended the show disappointed. Their band was showing up all over the radio and tv and internet. Surely the man must have seen him. Surely the man would want to see Patrick as much as Patrick wanted to see him.


	2. It's the return of the king

                Pete stares at the clock on his wall and tries to sit still on the bed as he waits. He’s gotten better at being patient but today it’s especially hard for him. Finally he’s getting to leave. Two years, eight months, sixteen days, twenty four house, forty five minutes and sixteen… seventeen… eighteen seconds. His doctor thinks it’s unhealthy for him to keep track of the time like that but at least it gives him soething to do. The only other thing to do there is play cards and the other patients always cheat.

                He’s much better now. He’s learned how to control his temper and he’s started channeling his eotions into words. It helps him to make sense of things. He also knows that he needs his medicine. He’s spent hours arguing that he could get better without it but now he understands, no matter how good he feels he will never be better. He’s sick. He accepts that now. He knows that without his meds he’s an awful person.

                A week ago he told all this to his counselor. He told him how awful he felt about hurting Patrick. His counselor just smiled at him for a minute and it weirded Pete out a bit because he’s not sure he’d ever seen his counselor smile. He told Pete he was proud of him for realizing this. He told him that he has come a long way in two years and that he believes Pete is ready to rejoin the world.

                Not that Pete’s been completely cut off from it. He’s still kept control of most of his fathers businesses, making them believe he was just living abroad. A nurse sits just outside of the camera view and monitors what he does while he’s on the computer.He was only allowed a clip on tie for his skype calls but he made it all work out. The fact that his families name was on the hospital helped. He didn’t have to wear the same off white pajamas as everyone else. None of that mattered anymore though. In six more minutes it would be five o’clock and he’d be walking out the door a free man, two years eight months, fifty four minutes and six seconds.

                He could taste the freedom already. His own bed, his own shower, Pizza. It was all within his grasp now. He knew that first he had to readjust to living alone and having privacy. He had to make sure he could keep taking his medicine. Then he would make his rounds and visit the companies. He would do all of that and if he could stay healthy then and only then would he let himself see Patrick and try to apologize. Patrick promised to go on a date with him and the thought of that beautiful man is what kept Pete from walking out whenever he got upset.

                Of course Pete’s counselor doesn’t think it’s a good idea and Pete knows he’s right. So far Patrick hasn’t pressed charges against him but getting in touch with him might change that. Even with this posibility Pete can’t get rid of the urge to see Patrick just one more time. Even if it does get him locked up.

                Time seems to crawl y but soon enough a nurse comes into his room. She gives him a nod and he can’t help but grin as he gets up and gathers his bags. He hasn’t spoken to Ryan since he came here but his once best friend has been a huge help keeping things running smoothly within the companies that Pete was unable to work with. Today Ryan was supposed to be picking Pete up and taking him to his new apartment.

                Pete follows the nurse down the stark white halls that have been his home. He’s happy to leave them behind. He didn’t think it was possible to hate a color so much. He decided that the first thing he would do when he got to the apartment was get ride of all the white things.

                Ryan waits byt the visitor desk. He crosses his arms and looks up every time he hears footsteps letting out a sigh when it turns out to be another nurse. He’s nervous to how Pete will react to seeing him. He knows he betrayed Pete but it was for the best.

                Pete peeks around the corner into the visitors room. He smiles when he sees Ryan standing with his back to him. He doesn’t think he’s ever been this excited to see the twig of a man. He drops his belonging to the ground and hurries into the room.

                “Whoa, hello there.” Ryan says as he’s alost knocked off his feet by the force of Pete’s body coliding with his own. The smaller man wraps his arms around Ryan’s waist and presses his face into Ryan’s shirt. Ryan hesitates, Pete’s never been one for touching. He once pushed Ryan into a drainage ditch when their arms accidentally brushed. But  he realises that the man clinging to him isn’t the same man he was before. Ryan returns the hug and smiles a bit. He’s sure that things are going to be better from now on.

                “I’m sorry” Pete’s voice is so quiet that Ryan almost misses his words.

                “Me too Pete. Ready to get out of here?”

                “I was ready two years ago.” Pete says looking up at him. Ryan ruffles his hair.

                “Where are your things?”

                “I dropped them.” Pete says looking back the way he came sheepishly. Ryan nods and goes to pick up the bag. There nothing in it really but a few pajamas and the clothes that Pete was wearing when he was admitted. Pete stuffs his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and looks eagerly at the elevators. He finds it hard to believe that he’s really getting out of here. Ryan places a hand on Pete’s back and smiles at him.

                “Lets get the hell out of here Petey.”

                “Yes. Let’s get pizza!” Pete grabs onto his sleeve and pulls him onto the elevator. He presses the elevator button repeatedly and rocks back on his heels whistling happily. Ryan can’t help but watch him. There’s a light in Pete’s eyes and a smile on his face. He’s like a completely different person. Ryan’s amazed by it. He’s never seen Pete look this, well adorable.

                “Why don’t we order it once we get back to the apartment” He suggests as they get onto the elevator and head down to the ground floor. Pete nods his head and hugs Ryan’s arm with a huge grin on his face.

                The car ride to Pete’s new apartment is probably the strangest car ride Ryan’s ever had, Pete talks animatedly the whole way about his plans for the future of his company and how he wants to visit each of the businesses that he owns in order to set the plans in motion on his own. He talks about wanting to give back to the community and all the events and foundations he wants to be a part of. It makes Ryan happy to see him with all this energy and every now and then Pete reaches over to touch his arm or mess with his hair. At one point he starts to laugh so hard while telling a story that he leans over the center console and presses his forehead against Ryan’s shoulder.

                Ryan had been worried about seeing Pete again after all this time but now he knew it had been stupid. Pete was better than ever before and he was ready to step back into the real world. He is ready to return to his position as the leader of the empire that his family has spent generations building. He was ready and Ryan knew that he would stick with him through it all.


	3. If Every Moment Was a Dream

Patrick lays in his bed with his eyes closed, the sound of Joe snoring in the next bed keeping him awake. He had just started to drift off to sleep when the voice came back whispering in his ear and wrapping him in warmth. 

_"You are so cute Patrick"_  

"I'm not cute... I've gained like fifteen pounds" Patrick whispers back not wanting to wake Andy or Joe. 

_ "You're not fat Trick. You're perfect. I love every inch of you"  _

"You're just saying that because you want me to kiss you." 

_ "No, I'm saying it because it's true. The kisses are just a bonus."  _

"Shut up you dork." 

_"You don't really want that. You'd be lost without me."_ Sometimes Patrick thinks that he's had these conversations before. He's just remembering how they went. He's sure that's the case with this one. In his half dreaming state he can see himself laying on a couch. He's cuddled up against the man his head resting on his chest. Patrick wishes he could look up and see the mans face. But there is something new, the arm wrapped around his waist has tattoos. Patrick's fingers trace over the image of a cartoon character and he tries to burn the image into his memories along with the brown eyes and big smile. He's sure he'll be able to remember this man piece by piece. 

Patrick knows that if anyone ever caught him talking with the voice they would think he was crazy. His therapist would make him stop touring and he'd probably get locked up in some mental institute. He knows they wouldn't understand. He's not hearing voices he's just remembering. What ever is keeping his memories locked away must have locked away some good memories and now they're trying to escape through the cracks. His love for the man in his memories is making him remember so that they can be together again.  

_"I love you. You should get some sleep. You'll need it."_  

"But if I sleep then you'll go away." 

_"Don't worry baby. I am here for you. Whenever you need me I'll come to you."_  

"But I don't know how to-" 

"Patrick?" Andy's voice comes from the other bed thick with sleep. 

"Yes?" Patrick holds his breath. Did Andy hear him? 

"Are you on the phone?" 

"Y... yeah" he resists the urge to sigh in relief. "Sorry to wake you. I'll go outside." 

"No... no it's fine." Andy yawns and nudges Joe with his elbow making him roll over and stop snoring. Patrick sits quietly for a few minutes, holding his breath and waiting for Andy to say something else but he never does. He sits up slightly and squints his eyes trying to see across the room. Andy has fallen asleep again his head resting on Joe's back. He lets go of the breath he had been holding and drops his head back to the pillow closing his eyes once again. He had been so sure he was caught talking to the voice. He knows he'll have to be more careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was really short so I didn't see a point in waiting until Thursday to get it typed. I'll try and have another one done by then for all of you.


	4. If only I had the time to set it right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I sort of totally forgot I had this chapter written. But I found it and got it all typed up so that means two updates in one day. Yaaayyy,

  


"How the fuck did these idiots screw up this much." Pete whines as he pushes all the papers off his desk and buries his head in his arms. Ryan rolls his eyes and steps out of the way as Pete's secretary scurries into the room and starts to clean them up. This week its some poor intern since Pete fired the last three secretaries.

"It's not that bad Pete. I'm sorry I couldn't do much while working with my store."

"It's fine Ryan. It's not your fault I let them hire idiots." Pete says giving him a smile. Ryan still finds it weird to see Pete constantly happy. He keeps expecting him to lash out and has even flinched away a few times when Pete goes to touch him. Pete just laughs it off but Ryan can see the regret in his eyes.

Pete does everything he can to give back but no matter how much time and money he puts into it he can't get rid of the guilt that eats away at him and keeps him up at night. While they were driving to work the other day Pete heard just a second of Patrick's voice before Ryan changed the radio station but that was all it took. Pete hadn't slept since and that was three days ago. He longed to hear Patrick's voice again and had to fight against the urge he had to research where he was now. It made him sick to think of what he had done.

He knows that nothing will be right as long as he remembers what he did to Patrick. He's considered erasing his own memories but he knows that’s not the right thing to do. He needs to go to Patrick to beg for his forgiveness, and if Patrick takes that chance to kick him while he's down Pete will accept it. He deserves whatever Patrick does to him. He wants to get it out of the way but he knows he needs to make things right with his company first because he doesn't know how he'll react to seeing Patrick again.

Pete realizes he's been staring blankly at the wall when Ryan waves a hand in front of his face. He shakes himself out of the daze and gets up from his desk crossing the room to the window to watch the sun as it disappears behind the city skyline. He's finally free and he feels more trapped than he ever has. Trapped by his guilt, by work, by his fear. Being back in the real world is harder than he expected and he's terrified that he's going to do something wrong.

"Are you alright Pete?" Ryan asks as he leans against the window. Pete lets out a tired sigh and closes the distance between them resting against Ryan's chest and gripping his vest tightly. Ryan hesitates for a second then wraps his arms around Pete and rests his head on his chin. Pete's always clinging to him now and Ryan's not sure what to make of it. The older man seems desperate for to be close to another human. Whenever they are close Pete holds onto him like a child afraid of getting  seperated  from his parent, and when he gets overwhelmed he clings to Ryan until he feels calm again. Ryan rubs his back gently and stays quiet waiting for Pete to speak first.

"Is it weird that I miss the institute?" Pete asks, his voice muffled by the fabric of Ryan's shirt.

"I think you just miss your two year vacation you lazy old man." Ryan teases. He's learned that he needs to keep the conversation light when Pete gets like this.

"Hey I'm not old." Pete pouts.

"You are. You're like ancient. Ryan pinches his side playfully and it makes Pete laugh as he presses his face into Ryan's shirt. Ryan looks down at him and can't help but wonder when he became so cute. 

Ryan lets Pete hang on him for a few more minutes before reminding him that they need to get home soon to feed the cat. They never really mention it but since Pete left the institute Ryan has stayed at his house even bringing his cat over so he doesn't have to make extra trips to feed it and clean the litter box. He knows that Pete is supposed to be learning how to live on his own again but he can't shake the feeling that Pete would break down without Ryan there to support him. 


	5. I'm like this.

                Pete closes his eyes and clenches his fists at his sides taking a shaky breath and trying to stay calm. He tries to relax and wipes his sweaty palms on his pant legs. The billboard changes every ten seconds, if he can time it right he won’t see the ad. He knows that if he sees it he won’t be able to escape the temptation. Seeing Patrick’s face so suddenly was bad enough, knowing that it meant Patrick was going to be in the same city as him made it all the more worse. Pete knows that it’s going to keep him up at night. He has to be careful, if he sees the date or the venue then it’s all over and he won’t be able to stay away. Nothing will be able to stop him.

                “One… Two… Three…” Pete begins to whisper the number praying to any deity who will listen that his timing is right and he can turn around without catching a glimpse of Patrick’s smiling face. “Seven… Eight… Nine…” Pete can’t think of the last time he was scared of anything. He hates that he’s been brought down by a stupid board. “Ten” Pete opens his eyes.

\---

                Ryan sleeps soundly, the black satin sheet tangled around his body a stark contrast to his pale skin. Pete stands in the doorway watching him and wondering what it feels like to sleep peacefully like that. He feels bad about disturbing him and he wonders if Ryan is tired of him yet. At this point the only time they’ve been apart is at night but now Pete knows he can’t be alone. He’s been awake for hours now with Patrick’s name typed into Google and his finger hovering over the enter button. He can’t let himself give in.

                “Alright come on you panda bear you’re just keeping us both from greatly needed sleep hovering there.” Ryan mumbles rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

                “Panda bear?” Pete moves into the room and stands next to the bed shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

                “Yeah” Ryan moves the blankets aside and pulls one of the pillows out from under his head for Pete to use. Pete smiles a bit and lays down pulling the blanket over himself. Ryan turns onto his side and brushes Pete’s bangs back away from his eyes. He knows something has been bothering the older man all day but for once he’d kept it to himself instead of going straight to Ryan.

                Pete wraps his arms around Ryan’s thin frame and presses his face against his neck willing his body to stop shaking. Ryan hesitates for a moment then slides an arm under Pete’s body and holds him tightly carding his other hand through Pete’s hair.  “Need to recharge?” He asks.

                “I need to hold onto something.” Pete says his lips brushing against the sensitive skin of Ryan’s neck. “It’s getting hard to stay away. He’s going to be in Chicago and I don’t know how to distract myself anymore. I want him to be happy I can’t do anything to take that from him but I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t apologize to him. And I… I still want him” Pete takes a deep breath and clings to Ryan fighting back the tears that want to escape.

                “Hey… Hey Pete don’t cry.” Ryan says. He’s not sure what comes over him then. He knows that it won’t be long before it comes back to bite hi in the ass but he can’t stop himself. Ryan places his hand on Pete’s shoulder and moves hi back. Pete sniffles a bit and looks at Ryan with confusion but before he can say anything Ryan cups his cheek and brings their lips together. Pete closes his eyes and brings his hand up tangling his fingers in Ryan’s hair deepening the kiss.

                He had forgotten how it feels to be close to another person. How good it feels to be kisses and touched. To feel the warmth of another body pressed against his. He doesn’t want these feelings to ever stop.

 

                                                           *************************************************************************************

                “Are you sure you’re okay Patrick?” Joe asks. Patrick paces nervously in the space between their beds. It’s their last night on the road, at least for a couple months, early in the morning they’ll all pile back into the van for the drive between wherever they had ended up stopping in Indiana and Chicago. Returning always makes Patrick nervous. Anyone on the street could be the monster that captured him and made him a prisoner, the man that took not only his memories but important parts of who he used to be.

                The idea of seeing that man terrifies Patrick. Andy and Joe realized how scared he was just a few days after Patrick was released from the hospital. It took them weeks to convince him to leave their apartment and even then he was jumpy and begged them to take him home.

                “What? Yeah fine… I’m fine. It’s just adrenaline left from the show or something.” Patrick says trying to give a convincing smile.

                “Patrick you know you can talk to us.” Andy gets up from the bed and puts his hand on Patrick’s shoulder stopping him. The blonde haired man just shakes his head and shrugs his friends hand away. He’s tired of relying on them for everything they never even went on their honeymoon because they were worried about leaving him alone.

                “I’m fine really guys. I just need some air… I’m going for a run.” Patrick grabs his bag and takes out his running clothes before going to the bathroom the change. He keeps his back to the mirror as he does not liking what he sees there. Losing weight, changing his hair, the man in the mirror isn’t him anymore but he still can’t escape the fact that the man that looks back at him is a victim.

                _They’re worried about you._

“I’m fine.”

                _Okay. I’m worried about you._

“Don’t be. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

                _Babe look in the mirror._

“No. I already know what I look like.”

                _You know what you look like to yourself. I want you to look in that mirror and see yourself the way I see you._

“I don’t want to look.”

                _Be brave baby. You are so much more than you think._ Patrick takes a deep breath and turns looking at himself. His hair is greasy and sticks to his forehead, he’s starting to get flabby again. He’s had trouble sticking to his diet and its rare that he actually gets a chance to run. He lost his contacts at their last show and now he’s stuck wearing his glasses.

                “I look awful… just like I told you I would” Patrick crosses his arms in an attempt cover himself.

                _You don’t. You’re beautiful Patrick._

                “Stop it. I’m not”

                _Patrick Martin Stump, You are so hot. I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you. Your eyes are mesmerizing and you smile could make any one swoon. I love every inch of you and I really wish that you could see that._

“I can’t see with your eyes. And clearly you need glasses more than I do if you think I’m hot.”

                _Hey now I’ve got perfect vision. Stop being a grumpy stumpy and share that cute little smile with the world._

“I need you…”

                _I’ll find you always._

“Please… Don’t take too long… I need a hug.” Patrick sighs and turns the shower on deciding to skip his nightly run once again and just work on getting all the sweat and grime of the tour off himself. He can’t wait to get back home and soak for an hour in his tub and be able to crawl into his own bed afterwards.


	6. (We broke up) I haven't even heard the reason yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for being so patient with me. I'm settled into my new room and everything is going smoothly here in Alaska so I'm going to try and get everything up to date now. I hope you're all enjoying this story and Thank you all again for sticking with me and my crappy update schedule. <3 you all!

                Patrick stands on the stage, his hair sticking to his forehead and his breathing uneven as he tries to compose himself. A bottle of water is pressed into his hand and he looks up meeting Joe’s gaze. They’ve been worried about him more than usual lately. He just nods his head and brings the bottle to his lips taking a long drink. The house lights are on as some paramedics tend to a girl that fell. As he finishes off the bottle his eyes scan over the crowd.

                The eye, those shining balls of topaz that have haunted Patrick every moment of every day. Those eyes that fill him with warmth and longing. Those eyes stare back at Patrick from the midst of the crowd. Patrick is positive it’s them. He wants to move, wants to call out to this person but he’s frozen in place and he can’t remember how to speak. The man blinks and brings a hand up to run his fingers through his messy black hair. Patrick manages to take a deep breath as he eyes the tattoos decorating his arms, knowing that without a doubt this is the man from his dreams. This man is the owner of the voice that keeps him from falling apart when he’s at his weakest, the voice that’s kept him together these past two years.

                He feels the name on the tip of his tongue but no matter how hard he tries it continues to escape him. He wants to call out to the man, wants to feel those arms wrapped around him holding him tight. He wants to feel those lips against his skin as they whisper sweet words. He stares into the man’s eyes silently pleading him to come forward or say something.

                ---

                Pete can feel his heart hammering in his chest. Patrick has seen him he has no doubt that the singer is staring back at him. This wasn’t supposed to happen; he wasn’t supposed to get caught. Pete silently curses himself for giving into the temptation, for believing that he could get away with coming here. He wants to flee, he wants to run from the room before Patrick has the chance to alert someone and get security called.

                Pete’s sure that he’s ruined everything for himself. He was sure that if Patrick saw him he would press charges this time, but as he stares up at the man on the stage he’s not so sure. The look in Patrick’s eyes isn’t fear or anger; Patrick’s eyes are filled with longing. Patrick wants him. Seeing that look in his eyes after all this time is much more tempting than anything he had prepared himself for. He wishes he hadn’t come here. He’s mad at himself for giving into the temptation. He’s mad that he didn’t tell Ryan about the billboard.

                Pete clenches his fists in his pockets and forces himself to tear his eyes away from Patrick and make his way for the exit. He knows he needs to get away before it’s too late. He rushes out through an emergency exit letting the heavy door slam shut behind him. He walks around a corner and leans against the rough brick wall taking in deep breaths of the cool autumn air as he tries to calm himself. His hands shake as he takes his phone out and punches in the number he’s now memorized. His finger hovers over the send button and he hesitates knowing that Ryan will spend the rest of the night scolding him.

                “H... Hey” Pete’s phone falls from his hand and hits the pavement with a loud bang. He stares at the black tennis shoes of the man that stands before him and doesn’t dare move an inch.

                 Patrick stands in front of him nervously; he shifts his weight from one foot to the other and chews his lip nervously. He hadn’t expected this reaction. Pete looks terrified by Patrick’s presence and he hasn’t even moved to pick up his phone. Feeling awkward just standing there Patrick kneels down and picks it up for him, cringing when he sees the long crack down the middle of the screen. He feels bad for startling him.

                “I… I’m leaving now… I didn’t mean… I wasn’t going to…“ Pete tries to speak but his mouth is dry and his tongue feels heavy.

                “So… I do know you then.” Patrick says the relief clear in his voice. Pete looks up his face showing his shock.

                “You… You don’t know who I am…?” He asks nervously. Patrick fidgets a bit and shakes his head.

                “N… No sorry. I um… some stuff happened and my brains a little… well scattered would be a good word I guess… A lot of my memories are gone…”

                “Oh that’s… That’s not good.” Pete hates himself. He’s taken precious memories from Patrick. He can never ask Patrick for his forgiveness without reminding him of the torment he put him through. Pete wishes that he could go back in time and keep himself from ever going near Patrick.

                “But I still know some things…”

                “L…Like what?” Pete asks, afraid of the answer.

                “I know that we were in love… but I… I can’t remember anything about you… I can’t remember your name or how we met or what you were to me. I just get these flashes… but never your face, just your eyes and your tattoos… sometimes I hear your voice. Like in my dreams and stuff… I don’t… I don’t hear voices.” Patrick speaks quickly tripping over some words as he tries to explain it.

                “So you don’t remember the bad things.”

                “I know that I still love you.”

                “No you don’t. You broke up with me.”

                “I didn’t do that. I wouldn’t. I love you too much.”

                “Stop saying that!” Pete snaps. He hates how weak he is. He hates how with every word his resolve to not touch Patrick grows weaker and weaker. He hates how badly he wants to say he loves him too. Can’t Patrick see that he’s trying so hard?

                “I… I’m sorry I just… I want to know who you are…”

                “No you don’t. You don’t remember anything bad and it’s better if it’s kept that way. Just forget about me completely.” Pete goes to leave and Patrick panics, he doesn’t want Pete to leave yet. He’s spent so long looking for him he can’t just take off without explaining anything to him, so he grabs Pete’s shirt and pushes him back against the wall. He does it harder than he meant to though and Pete curses in pain as his head hits the wall.

                “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry!” Patrick reaches up and makes Pete look down so he can examine the back of his head. Pete stands perfectly still, his eyes trained on the floor as Patrick frets over him. His eyes fill with tears and he knows that it’s not because of his head. It’s his heart that is hurting the most now. Despite his brain telling him to get away now he no longer has the strength. He rests his head on Patrick’s shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut as he starts to cry.

                 “I’m sorry… I’m really sorry I hurt you” Patrick says softly, wrapping his arms around the shaking man tightly. This isn’t how he expected their reunion to be. He was sure that they would both be happy to see each other. He definitely hadn’t planned to hurt Pete. He doesn’t know why he pushed him into the wall. He also doesn’t know why it didn’t make him feel guilty, actually having this man clinging to him as he cries makes Patrick feel almost good. _Maybe,_ He thinks, _Maybe I’m just happy he isn’t trying to walk away from me anymore. I’ve been looking for him for so long. Now I can finally hold him._ Patrick smiles and rubs Pete’s back gently pressing kisses to his head every couple of seconds.


	7. I said I loved you but I'll let you go

                Pete sits in the driver’s seat of his car nervously drumming his fingers against the steering wheel as Patrick watches him expectantly. He’s not really sure how they got to this point. He said he had to go home and Patrick followed him to his car and got in it. Neither of them has spoken in the last few minutes and Pete hasn’t started the car. He’s afraid that someone will think he’s kidnapping Patrick again. But he’s not this time. He tried to do the right thing. He tried to get away and leave Patrick alone but the blonde haired man wouldn’t let him. So really nothing that happens is Pete’s fault.

                “I’m sorry I hurt you…” Patrick says, his soft voice breaking the silence that had surrounded them. Pete lets out a sigh and looks over at him for the first time. Patrick feels guilty for giving him just a small bump on his head, Pete can only imagine how repulsed he would be if he knew what Pete had done. If he knew who Pete really was.

                “Stop apologizing… god you can’t do this to me Trick okay…” Pete says resisting the urge to reach out and touch him. He needs to control himself. He needs to convince Patrick to leave. A smile spreads across Patrick’s face and Pete silently curses. It’s not fair that he has to turn down this beautiful man.

                “You called me Trick.” Patrick says happily as he reaches over and touches Pete’s arm. Pete closes his eyes and shrugs Patrick off resting his head on the steering wheel trying not to give in.

                “It’s just a habit… You can’t be here okay. You don’t want me. You don’t love me. Just… go back to your show and be with your band and be happy.”

                “…Why are you pushing me away? I… I thought you loved me…” Patrick sounds hurt and Pete knows what he has to do and he hates it. The only way to keep Patrick away is to tell him the truth. Patrick needs to know who he really is.

                “Tell me my name.”

                “I… I can’t. Like I said my memories are all messed up.”

                “I do love you… I’ve loved you for a long time but…” He sighs and runs his hand through his hair as he stares out the windshield.

                “But what? We both love each other… so… we should be together.”

                “You don’t love me! Don’t you get it Patrick? I was never your boyfriend. You never loved me. I just made you think you did.”

                “W… What do you mean?” Patrick looks scared, his hands shake and he lets his bangs fall into his eyes. Pete’s mad at himself for yelling but he knows that he needs Patrick to know the truth. He gets out of the car and goes around to Patrick’s door opening it up. Patrick looks up at him for a second then gets out standing close to him. “Tell me…”

                “You hate me.” Pete says, he brings his hand up and brushes some of Patrick’s bangs back from his face not able to resist touching him at least once. Patrick leans in closer his eyes trained on Pete’s lips. For two years he’s dreamed about meeting this man once again. He thought that seeing him would make him happy but he’s just been nervous and worried the whole time. “I’m sure you’d love me dead. But you don’t remember that. It’s better this way.” Pete keeps his voice as soft as he can. He’d love to give Patrick everything he wants. He’d love to kiss away the hurt in his eyes but Pete knows better. He knows that all he’ll do is cause Patrick more pain and he needs to get away from here as soon as possible.

                “I don’t… I don’t hate you. I know I don’t. My memories aren’t clear but I remember being with you. I remember how good you made me feel about myself.” Patrick insists placing a hand gently on Pete’s chest.

                Pete closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths trying to remember all the techniques his counselor gave him to deal with temptation. Trying to fight the urge to wrap his arms around the smaller man and never let him go, but that’s what got him into trouble in the first place. Life could have been so much better. He had still been on his medication the day he first wandered into the record store, the day he first laid eyes on the fedora clad man behind the counter. He wonders what could have happened if he had remained on his medication, if he had been able to build up the courage to greet the man that day. Ask him out for coffee. He imagines what their life together could have been.

                “Please… Just tell me what I did wrong…” Patrick’s voice cracks as the words slip past his lips and Pete snaps out of his fantasy looking at the broken man that now stands before him. He moves away and slides his hands into his pockets, letting his shoulders slump and trying to make himself look as non threatening as possible.

                “You never did anything wrong Patrick. I ruined everything. I let my problems control me and you got hurt because of it. I’ll never let myself hurt you again… That’s why I can’t tell you all the things you want to hear. I can’t be the man that your mind created because that man never existed… I care about you. I have since the day I first saw you but I can’t trust myself. I can get all the help available. I can spend millions of dollars on medication and counselors and all this shit and I’ll never be cured.”

                “I don’t understand. Please just tell me what happened between us. I need to know.” Patrick pleads. Pete knows that he has to end all of this now.

                “My name is Pete Wentz. You know what that means right…?” Pete can see the changes in Patrick’s body as he hears the name. His body stiffens and his eyes go wide with fear. That’s all Pete needs to see. He knows now that now Patrick will hate him again. Before he can hear the words from those beautiful lips he gets back into his car and drives away. He grips the steering wheel so tight his knuckle turn white but he doesn’t care. Patrick knows the truth now, it’s better this way.


	8. (why?) My heart is ripping to shreds

                 “Have you ever felt strongly about something only to find out you’re wrong?” Patrick isn’t really talking to anyone in general. He’s been sitting in the same spot at the bar with his hands tightly wrapped around his glass of water trying to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions that were tearing apart his mind. These memories that he’s spent so long clinging to are all lies. The love that he thought he felt was fake. Patrick feels like he’s going to be sick.

                 “Not that I can recall, but by the looks of it you could use something a little stronger than that water.” A cheerful voice says. Patrick looks up and examines the bartender that stands in front of him. He knows he wasn’t paying too much attention but he’s sure that the bartender had been a female when he sat down. Not the tall man that now stood in front of him. “My shift just started.” The bartender says, Patrick wonders if he somehow read his mind.

                 “Right… Sorry I’ve just kind of…”

                 “Had a rough day huh.” The bartender, Gabriel according to his nametag, said with a knowing look in his eyes. Patrick wonders how often he sees people ready to drink themselves into oblivion. He doesn’t really understand the cliché of spilling all your thoughts and failures to a stranger over a beer but he doesn’t deny the shot that’s slid in front of him, or the next one, he even takes the glass of scotch and soon he finds himself talking, saying things that he hadn’t told even to Andy or Joe. Gabe leans on the bar listening as Patrick spills his story and every now and then refilling his drinks. Patrick thinks it’s nice to have someone willing to listen with full attention.

                 “Okay that’s really fucked up.” Gabe says with a nod as Patrick finishes his story with slurred words.

                 “Yes. How can… How can I like… love him. Why do I love him?” Patrick asks looking up at the other man, his eyes welling up with tears. Gabe leans over further sliding another shot in front of the shaken singer.

                 “I think you’re stuck in a rut. You’ve spent all this time trying to heal but you haven’t moved on.”

                 “Moved on?”

                 “When is the last time you had a good lay?” Gabe’s question makes Patrick’s cheeks flush red, or maybe it’s the alcohol, as he looks down at his hands and shrugs his shoulders. He can’t answer because he can’t remember. He’s sure that he must have slept with Pete while they were together. Not that they were actually together, Patrick finds that he has to keep reminding himself of that. He knows that he’s missing a lot but he still has trouble associating his memories of Pete with memories of the evil man that dragged him away from his life.

                 Gabe slides another shot glass in front of Patrick and the worn out singer eyes it for a moment before picking up the glass and tossing back the drink. He’s sure he’s drank more than he can afford but he doesn’t really care because with each shot the emotions that previously tore Patrick apart get duller and duller. They make him feel happier than he’s been in a long time and soon he finds himself laughing at Gabe’s jokes and enjoying himself more than he has in a really long time.

                 “You are so wasted.” Gabe laughs as Patrick slumps against him. The bar has all but cleared out and Gabe decided to take advantage of the lull by sitting down next to the blonde haired man.

                 “S’your fault” Patrick’s words are slurred and Gabe’s sure he’s either going to pass out or puke soon but he doesn’t really care. He’s has his share of drinks as well and he’s actually glad that Patrick stayed most of the night, it definitely beats the gross drunks that normally hang around.

                 “Yes yes It’s all my fault.” Gabe chuckles and ruffles Patrick’s hair, wondering how he keeps it so soft. Patrick’s glad that Gabe seems so different. He needs a break from everyone else, they treat him like he’s fragile and might break if they say the wrong thing. At first he was just mildly annoyed by it but after two years it just made him angry. He wasn’t fragile, he wasn’t broken he didn’t need other people to make sure he stays together. He definitely doesn’t need fake memories to make him happy. Gabe hasn’t done any of that. Even after Patrick told him what happened he just said it sucked and moved on not really caring too much. Patrick thinks it's kind of refreshing. He isn't fragile. He wont break easily. He decides that its better if he doesn't care so much. He doesn't need anyone to love him. He doesn't need to be taken care of. He thinks it's cool how little Gabe seems to care about what people think. He wishes that he could be more like that.

                 Patrick has three more drinks before the end of the night. His head is spinning and he's not really sure how he's going to get back to his apartment. He tries to take his phone out to call someone to come get him but everything is really blurry. He reaches up to push his hair out of his face and he realizes that he's not wearing his glasses anymore but he can't remember having taken them off.

                 "Patrick. Earth to Patrick." Patrick jumps a bit at the sound of Gabe's voice. The taller man is leaning over the back of Patrick's seat his lips close to the singers ear.

                 "I um... glasses. I lost my glasses" Patrick mumbles. He hears Gabe laugh but it sounds muffled. Patrick starts to feel sick and he tries to get up from the booth but his legs don't want to work right and he nearly collapses. Arms wrap around him and he leans into the arms holding him up and decides his best bet is to do his best to walk where the other man leads him. After all he's not fragile, he doesn't need to be treated like a child. He just wants to stop caring so much.


	9. I was afraid you'd meet someone bad

                His head feels like there's a thousand jackhammers going all at once. Patrick lets out a groan as the pain in his head becomes stronger and stronger. He pulls a pillow over his face and squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn't feel comfortable and he has a feeling that he knows why but he doesn't want to be proven right. This isn't his bed, the pillow doesn't smell right and the blanket tangled around his body is too rough and there's an unfamiliar soreness that seems to be coursing through his body with each breath he takes. He's scared to think about what it means.

                He lays there for a long time trying to find an explanation for the situation he's awoken to. Maybe he drank too much last night and didn't want to risk trying to make it all the way home. He could have gotten himself a hotel room and the soreness could be from falling. He thinks he could have drank a lot but he's not too sure. The more he thinks about it the more he realizes he can't remember much after his first two drinks. He knows he's always been a bit of a lightweight but could two drinks really have caused him to black out like this?

                With a deep sigh he pulls the pillow back from his face and rolls out of the bed. The hammering in his head seems to grow stronger but he knows he needs to work through it for now. He needs to figure out what happened and get himself home, then he can sleep until his hangover is gone. His eyes scan the room warily and he's glad to find that he's alone at least. It's definitely a hotel room he's in and he's pretty sure that his idea must have been right, he came here because he couldn't find his way home he's sure of it. Patrick lets the blanket fall away from his naked body and makes his way to the bathroom keeping a hand on the wall to steady himself.

                In his Peripheral vision he catches sight of himself in the mirror hung on the wall and freezes. He takes a shaky breath and turns to face it and what he sees makes his stomach turn. Bite marks litter his body and his wrists are bruised a deep purple. Patrick brings his hand up and covers his mouth as the truth of what happened that night hits him like a wrecking ball. He runs to the bathroom and falls to his knees in front of the toilet emptying his stomach again and again until nothing is left, and even then he continues to gag for a bit longer. When he's done he puts his arms on the toilet and rests his head on it as he sobs.

                _"Hey, hey shh its okay baby. Don't cry everything’s going to be okay."_

"No... No. I hate this. I hate myself... I hate you! Why did you do this to me?" Patrick sobs as he starts to gag again. "Why... Why..."

                _"You're safe with me baby. I promise okay. No one will ever lay a finger on you. I'll take care of you and make all the bad things go away."_

                "No... No you're one of the bad things. Go away... Go away. Just... just leave me. Everything was better... better without you. Why did you do this to me!?" Patrick waits for an answer but it never comes. The voice is finally silent and Patrick can't help but continue to sob. He hates Pete. He hates what the man has reduced him to but the without the voice there to comfort him Patrick feels empty and alone.

                He doesn't know how long he stays there on the bathroom floor. He doesn't know what he did to deserve this. All he can think about is how much he's hurting. Its dark out by the time he's able to gather the strength to get back to his feet. He flushes the toilet and stumbles out to the sink, turning it on and using some of the water to rinse the horrid taste from his mouth before taking a long drink, relishing the way the icy water feels as it runs down his stinging throat.

                When he's satisfied his thirst Patrick wanders around the room picking up his clothes from where they lay scattered on the floor. He puts his boxers back on and folds the rest neatly setting it on the dresser. He can't help but feel that they're dirty. He doesn't want anything to do with them. He sits against the wall in a corner of the room and hugs his knees tightly to his chest.

                "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Please come back... Please..." Patrick whispers as his body trembles.

                " _What happened to hating me?"_

                "I didn't mean it... I'm scared... It hurts... it hurts..." Patrick starts to sob again, surprised he even has any tears left.

                _"I'd never let you get hurt. I'd protect you."_

"But you hurt me."

                _"I love you Trick. I want you to be happy and safe."_

                "I... I'm scared of you... "

                _"Are you sure? I thought you wanted to be with me."_

"I... I don't know anymore... I don't know. I'm supposed to hate you... you did horrible things to me... But I... I don't want to be alone..."

                _"You know how to get a hold of me Tricky. I'll always answer and come rushing home. Even if you just want a bunch of kisses."_

                "I... I don't have my phone... I don't have your number." Patrick squeezes his eyes shut. He's tired of being hurt and alone. He's tired of being treated like a victim. He just wants to be loved and to be held. He wants someone that tells him how great he is, someone who could make him feel like he's got something worth living for.

                He knows it’s a bad idea. He knows that he's not thinking clearly. He knows that he should call Joe or Andy, even the cops, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He can’t get rid of his longing for strong tanned arms to wrap around him and tell him everything is alright. He can’t get rid of the feelings he has for the man that he’s supposed to hate. Patrick crawls out of the corner and pulls the phone off the desk. It falls to the ground with a loud crash but he doesn’t care. No one has come to kick him out of the room, not even a housekeeper checking if he needed any service.

                Patrick presses the phone to his ear and listens to the dial tone for a moment before pressing seven and dialing in a number. He doesn’t question how he knows the number to dial. It’s like they’d been burned into his mind where he could never forget them. There had been a lot of times in the past two years where he wanted to call the number just to see who was on the other end of it but now he knows without a doubt.

                “Hello?” Pete answers the phone, his voice groggy from sleep. Patrick squeezes his eyes shut and presses the phone closer to his ear.

                “Help…” He whispers his voice cracking slightly.

                “Pa… What’s wrong?”

                “I need you.”

                “I… I told you who I am. Why are you calling?”

                “Pete… Pete please I need you… Help me” Patrick feels the tears falling down his face and he wants to stay calm but he knows it’s a lost cause.

                “Hey… Hey don’t cry okay… Alright just hold on.” Pete gets up out of bed, careful not to wake Ryan as he untangles himself from his arms and hurries to pull on a pair of sweat pants. “What happened?” He asks trying to keep his voice calm. Panic surges through his body as he grabs a hoodie off the ground and slips out of the room. Patrick never would have called him if nothing was wrong. Patrick wouldn’t have remembered this number if something hadn’t been really wrong.

                “Please… I… Just please… I need you.” Patrick’s curled up on the floor now as sobs wrack his body.

                “I know Trick. I know I’m on my way okay. Where are you? I’m going to my car now.” Pete grabs his keys off the hook next to the door and slides on a pair of sandals before hurrying out to his car.

                “I… I don’t know… I don’t know I can’t remember. I tried and tried but I can’t remember.”

                “Patrick you have to calm down okay. Take a few deep breaths and then look around. I can’t get to you if I don’t know where you are baby.” The pet name slips off Pete’s tongue and he’s worried that it will make Patrick shut down but it seems to calm him a bit instead.

                “It’s… It’s a hotel. A hotel um… I think I was in… I was in Wrigleyville… That was the last I… I can’t remember after that.”

                “Okay that’s good I’ll head in that direction. You’re doing good Trick. Now look for a notepad or the key or something with the name on it.” Pete gets into his car and turns it on connecting his phone to the Bluetooth.

                Patrick takes deep breath and tries to focus on Pete’s voice as the older man continues to speak to him calmly, saying things to calm him and encourage him to figure out where he is. It gives Patrick the strength he needs to get up from the floor and search the desk. He finds a notepad with the hotels name and address on it and reads it off to Pete with a shaky voice.

                “Good job Trick. I’m going to be there soon alright. Can you get the room number for me? Just open the door and take a look real quick okay baby.”

                “I… I don’t want to open the door…”

                “Just for a second honey. Just let me know the room number and then I will be there as soon as I can.”

                “H… how soon?”

                “My GPS says fifteen minutes. Just fifteen minutes and I’ll be there. Can you tell me what happened Patrick?”

                “No… No just… please hurry… I need you.”

                “Fifteen minutes Trick. I need the room number okay.” Pete speeds up a bit praying he doesn’t run into any police, the last thing he needs right now is to be held up when Patrick so desperately needs him. It dawns on him then that there’s a chance this could be a trap. Patrick could be luring him to this place to prove to the police that Pete was the one that had captured him all those years ago.

                Patrick goes to the door and opens it a crack. He peeks out into the hall then opens the door more so he can see the numbers posted up on the wall. “Six forty two” He says aloud before closing the door quickly once again and locking the deadbolt. He hurries back to the phone and repeats the numbers.

                “Alright good job baby. You did a good job. I’ll be there as soon as I possibly can.”

                “D… Don’t hang up. Please.” Patrick begs. He sits back in his corner and presses the phone against his ear.

                “No I’m not going to hang up. I’ll stay right here. Tell me what you can remember okay.”

                Patrick stumbles through what he can remember of the night before making sure to mention that he doesn’t normally drink a lot several times. Pete grips the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turn white as he realizes what happened. That snake of a bartender must have gotten Patrick drunk on purpose. He could have even drugged Patrick’s drink. Pete’s doesn’t know how he’ll handle the rage that’s building up inside him. All he knows is that first he’ll take care of Patrick, then he’ll deal with that bartender.

               

 


	10. I’ve let you go, and now my heart is empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay everyone. My manager had this crazy idea to give me more resposibility at work so I've had to take some time to adjust to it. Thanks for all your support and patience.

                Pete’s never had a problem with his body. He’s always preferred wearing as little clothing as possible. That’s why it doesn’t bother him now as he stands in the hotel lobby leaning against the front desk in nothing but his boxers slung low on his hips. He can feels eyes on him and he doesn’t even have to turn around to know who it is. Patrick sits on a couch not far from the desk with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. Pete’s clothes are too big on him and make him look even smaller than he normally does. Pete taps his fingers impatiently as he watches the clerk type into the computer. She hadn’t been very willing to give him a room at first, after all who in their right mind would give a room to a man in just his boxers. But his black card and his request for the best room they had available had convinced her.

                When he has the room key in hand he crosses the room to Patrick and places a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it comfortingly. Patrick leans into the touch and closes his eyes; there are bags under them and Patrick’s body shakes.

                “Shh it’s okay Trick. I’m here alright. We’re going to go to the new room and you can take a nice bath. How does that sound?” Pete asks keeping his voice soft. Patrick opens his eyes again and stands up, wrapping his arms around Pete’s waist and pressing his face against his neck. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Pete reassures him as he runs his fingers through the singer’s messy blonde hair. It takes a little more reassuring before Pete convinces him to let go long enough to lead him to the elevator and up to the top floor of the hotel.

                 The bathtub seems to take forever to spill but Pete doesn’t mind, at least it covers the deafening silence that fell between them as soon as they got into the room. He sits on the edge of the tub as he watches it fill debating whether or not to add some of the bubbles he found on the bathroom sink.

                “Pete” Patrick’s voice is soft and hoarse, it breaks Pete from the daze he’s fallen into and he looks up to find Patrick standing in the bathroom doorway his hands pressed deep into the pocket on the front of the hoodie. Pete gives him a soft smile that he hopes is comforting before getting up and making his way over to him. As soon as he’s close enough Patrick wraps his arms around his neck and presses against him squeezing his eyes shut.

                “Do you want to talk about it?” Pete asks softly. Patrick shakes his head and presses closer, his body feels hot and Pete worries that he’s getting sick. He wonders if maybe he should bring him to the hospital to be check for anything.

                “I don’t want to think about it.” Patrick whispers, his voice muffled by Pete’s chest.

                “Okay… You know you shouldn’t have called me… I told you the truth so that you would stay away from me.”

                “Don’t go… Please.” Patrick begs.

                “You know who I am… You know that I’m a monster.” Pete puts his hands on Patrick’s shoulders and moves him back looking into the blue green of his eyes. “Why would you want me here?”

                “You make me feel safe… I… I don’t like it but I…. When I realized what happened… I just… I needed you. I know you’ll protect me. Keep me safe…”

                “I will protect you Patrick… I promised you that I just… I need to protect you from me most of all. I’ve gotten better. I’m healthier now but I’m not perfect. I could never forgive myself if I hurt you again.”

                “I need you Pete… Right now… Right now I really need you. Please don’t go… I feel… I feel so broken and I can’t make it stop.” A sob cuts off whatever he was going to say next and Patrick falls into Pete once again clinging onto the older man like his life depended on it. Pete holds him up and presses kisses to his temple. He manages to coax Patrick out of the clothes and gets him into the bath before turning off the faucet.

                “I’ll be in the room okay Patrick? I’m not going to leave just relax and I’ll try and get you some more clothes to wear. Some nice comfy pjs or something.”

                “I’m fine with your clothes…” Patrick mumbles. He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his forehead against him.

                “Okay… Well I’m going to have someone bring me some clothes then.”

                “Please just stay right here… Tell me a story… or just talk. I want to hear your voice, it helps… It’s making me calm.” Patrick looks up at Pete, his eyes filled with longing. Pete sighs and gives in, he sits on the edge of the tub once again. Patrick rests his head against Pete’s thigh and closes his eyes.

                “Once upon a time in a land far away there lived a prince.” Pete continues on with the story coming up with it as he goes along, he cards his fingers through Patrick’s hair watching as he relaxes under Pete’s touch. Being so close to the younger man makes Pete nervous. He knows that Patrick is fragile, even more so than usual, he knows he shouldn’t be there but the thought of leaving Patrick’s side makes his heart ache. This is where he needs to be. Taking care of Patrick like this is all he can do to try and remedy any damage he’s done to the beautiful man. He’ll never do anything to hurt him ever again. He’ll protect his beautiful treasure until the end of time. 

 


	11. But my future is gesturing towards me to get up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update for you all. I'll try to get a longer one up soon. My laptop charger is missing so I wrote this on my tablet. I'm working on getting an old laptop up and running in the meantime so please bear with me. Thank you all for the comments and support it really means a lot to me.

          The sunlight streaming through the bedroom window falls right in Patrick eyes causing him to stir, and then wake up. He feels arms around his body and can't help but smile as Pete's warm breath fans out against the back of his neck. He turns over carefully and watches the older man as he sleeps peacefully. Patrick is confused by his feelings for Pete, he knows that this man did horrible things to him, he knows that he should hate Pete, but he can't. 

          What happened after he left the bar still scares him, he doesn't know who he left with, he doesn't know how he got to the hotel but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened there. Patrick feels violated and scared, afraid that whoever did it would Come back to find him. Pete makes him feel safe, pete makes him feel protected and Patrick knows that he would be a mess right now if Pete hadnt come for him. Patrick brings his hand up and brushes his fingers against Pete's cheek, a small smile tugging at his lips. Pete makes him feel comfortable and safe, happy. 

          "Patrick..?" Pete's voice is deep and rough with sleep, Patrick tries to ignore the way it makes his heart race and sits up, pulling himself from Pete's arms. This makes Pete wake up fully and roll onto his back. He looks around the room and stretches his arms above his head. 

         "Hi..." Patrick says softly. He's worried that Pete will leave him alone now that he's calmed down. Pete sits up and scoots closer to Patrick wrapping his arms around the singers waist, hooking his chin over Patrick's shoulder.

        "Did you sleep okay?" Pete asks closing his eyes. Patrick leans back against his chest.   
     
        "Yeah... Really good... Don't leave me please." Patrick doesnt care if he has to beg. He doesnt want to be alone. Just the idea scares him enough to make his body tremble. Pete tightens his hold and presses a kiss against Patricks shoulder. 

         "Hey dont be scared baby. I've got you, I wont go until you're ready for me too." Pete promises. Patrick sighs and relaxes in his arms.   
  
        "Pete... I... I want to remember. I want to know everything."

         "I can't tell you... You'll hate me Patrick... I don't want that." Patrick turns around and sits on his knees putting his hands on Pete's chest.

          "Pete please tell me. I... I need to know. I'm tired of everyone treating me like I'm fragile. I'm tired of everyone pretending that I'm normal. I've got huge chunks of my past missing from my memories and I hate it. I want to be really normal Pete. You can help me right?" Patrick looks into Pete's eyes as he pleads. Pete caused his memories to be erased, Patrick hopes that it means he can help get them back. He knows it means he might start to hate Pete again but he has to take the chance; he needs to do this.


	12. I don’t think you know yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, my laptop is back in business so I thought I'd make up for that last chapter and give you an update with a decent lengths. Thank you all again for all the support. XO TayTay

                Pete sits in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel anxiously as he waits. He keeps his eyes on the building in front of him waiting. He hasn’t felt this way since before he locked himself away, anger fills him up and he knows that it would be so easy to let himself go, to find the man that harmed his Patrick and make him pay for the things he did. Patrick is his and no one will get away with hurting him, Pete inhales deeply trying to calm himself and stop from thinking of all the ways he could kill the man. He has other ways he can deal with him, other ways he can destroy him piece by piece.

                The door of the building opens up and Pete lets out a sigh of relief as he watches Patrick scurry across the street to the waiting car. He climbs into the passenger seat and tosses a duffel bag into the back seat before leaning over and wrapping an arm around Pete’s neck. The older man smiles as he wraps his arm around Patrick’s waist and presses a kiss to his temple. Patrick hasn’t quite relaxed around him yet, he has no problem being affectionate and he’s spent most of their time together clinging on to Pete in one way or another but he’s gets nervous whenever they come close to kissing. Pete’s okay with that, he doesn’t want to push Patrick and he’s willing to take his time and wait for Patrick to accept him.

                “Is it really okay for me to stay with you?” Patrick asks as he gets situated in his seat, he keeps his hand on Pete’s arm even as he pulls the seatbelt across his chest.

                “Of course Trick.” Pete takes his hand gently and runs his thumb over Patrick’s knuckles, “But are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable in your apartment? I don’t mind staying there with you.” 

                “I’ve been travelling a lot… my apartment doesn’t feel like home… its weird. I just wanna stay somewhere that doesn’t feel like a hotel room. Is it really okay?”

                “Patrick I promise it’s okay.” Pete insists as he brings their hands up and presses a kiss to the back of Patrick’s. He knows he can’t bring Patrick back to the apartment that he’d been living in, Ryan will be their waiting for Pete to return, angry at him for disappearing in the middle of the night. Pete turned his phone on briefly while he waited for Patrick only to be bombarded by texts and voicemails from his panicked best friend. He had turned it off again right away.

                Patrick nods his head and relaxes back into the seat letting his eyes drift closed as he watches the street lights flash by. Pete smiles to himself as he drives, heading towards the one place that he hopes will still feel like home. He hasn’t been there since his release, hasn’t even really thought about it. He’d sent Ryan over to clean out his lab and had hired a housekeeper to go by and clean it once a week. He wasn’t sure why he’d kept the house, he knows that it was a place filled with bad memories for Patrick but he can’t help but hope it doesn’t make him more anxious. 

                When they pull into the driveway almost an hour later Pete glances over and realizes that Patrick must have really fallen asleep at some point along the drive. It worries him a bit that Patrick’s slept so much in the short time that they’ve been back together and he can’t help but wonder if the bartender slipped something into Patrick’s drink. The thought makes his anger start to bubble back up but he just keeps his hold on Patrick’s hand and closes his eyes counting to ten over and over until he feels the anger ebb away. He’s worried he’ll lose control again. He didn’t waste all that time in therapy to just throw it all away and lose the one thing that means the most to him.

                Pete gets out of the car and eyes the walk way between it and the front door, it's probably a stretch but he's sure he can at least get Patrick to the living room, he kind of regrets giving up his usual workout while he was away. He opens Patrick's door and leans in to unbuckle his seatbelt.

                "Pete... Pete no....“ Patrick mumbles the words in his sleep and slips to the side his head falling against Pete's shoulder.

                "Shh it's okay Trick, I'm here. I've got you" Pete whispers as he slides one arm under Patrick’s legs and the other behind his back. He takes a deep breath and lifts him up and out of the car. He struggles a bit to adjust the smaller man then makes his way to the door. He curses his own idiocy when he reaches the door and realizes that it’s still locked. Patrick’s arms wrap around Pete’s neck and he yawns loudly. Pete smiles and manages to shift Patrick so he can get the key out of his pocket and the door unlocked. Nudging it open with his foot he moves into the house not bothering to take the keys out of the lock.

                Pete doesn’t need to turn on the light to find his way to the living room, he spent so much of his life in this house that the layout is permanently ingrained into his memory. He lays Patrick down across the couch and pulls the blanket off the back to wrap it around the small man. Pete sits on the ottoman and watches Patrick sleep in the dim light that filters in through the curtains. He’s amazed by how beautiful this man is. He reaches out and brushes Patrick’s bangs back from his face. He can understand how he went so crazy. Even now when he’s on his meds and he’s in control of himself he knows that he would do anything just to get Patrick’s attention; to see Patrick direct a smile at him.

                “I love you Patrick” Pete whispers softly, “I love you so much that knowing I almost lost you scares me. I know that getting better is supposed to be for myself. I’m supposed to want it for me but… All I could think about while I was in there was you. I hate myself you know… I hate the monster that I became and the things I let myself do to you… fuck if I could just go back… if I could just go back to that day in the record store. I could talk to you. Tell you that you were beautiful, even if you thought I was weird I could have at least talked to you. Maybe I could have really held you… maybe we could have gone on dates and slowly fallen in love… I wish I could go back.” Pete holds his head in his hands, he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he wishes he could just be a normal man for once in his life.

                Patrick sits up on the couch and reaches out, carding his hands through Pete’s hair then pulling him forward until their foreheads are pressed together. Pete looks up and meets Patrick’s eyes and is surprised to find the tears building up in them. “Pete… Pete I don’t want to see you sad like this. It hurts my heart to see you crying. Help me get my memories back, okay. I’ll get all my memories back and then… then we can move forward from there I promise.”

                “Y… You’re willing to give me another chance?” Pete asks his voice filled with hope. Patrick smiles and nods his head before he moves forward and touches their lips together gently.

                “I’ll give you another chance. Help me get my memories back and we’ll go on a date.” Patrick’s smile widens and Pete returns it, he slides onto his knees between Patrick’s legs and wraps his arms around his waist holding on tightly. Patrick smiles and strokes Pete’s air gently. “I think, I might be able to fall in love with you.” Pete’s smile widens and he presses closer. He really wants nothing more than for Patrick to love him back.

 


	13. You're such a two faced person

      "Gabriel Eduardo Saporta, 35 years old, goes by Gabe. He works part time as a bartender at a bar called angels and kings." Ryan reads off the information on the page given to him by the private investigator.

      "What does he do the rest of the time?" Pete's sitting at the desk in his office typing away at his computer, a pair of glasses perched on the end of his nose. Its been a few days since Ryan last saw the man and he's worried about what sort of trouble he could have gotten into in that time. He had almost considered checking on Patrick to make sure Pete hadn't resorted to his old ways, of course before he got the chance he recieved a call from Pete telling him to come to the office.

      "He's a musician apparently, he's got a band called midtown. Not much popularity yet." Ryan watches Pete closely trying to get some clue as to what he's up to. His sudden interest in this seemingly unimportant man is suspicious to say the least. Ryan's not sure what to make of the whole situation. Pete takes his glasses off and sets them on the table before rubbing his eyes and letting out a sigh.

      "Alright thanks Ryan."

      "Hey Pete?"

      "Yeah?"

      "Where have you been the past couple of days?" Ryan asks hoping that he doesn't set off Pete's temper. Everything's been going well, he'd hate to see it all go to waist. Pete smiles at the younger man and shrugs his shoulders before reaching over and taking the folder from his hands.

      "I've been around, don't worry about it." He says.

      "I am worrying though" Ryan walks around the desk and sits on the edge of it, reaching out to fix a bit of Pete's hair.

      "About what?"

      "I'm worried about you Pete... You just disappeared on me in the middle of the night... I didn't know what had happened or if..."

      "Or if I was taking my medication?"

      "Yeah that." Ryan mumbles.

      "You don't need to worry." Pete closes the folder and sets it on the desk before getting to his feet. He places his hands on the desk on either side of Ryan's legs and leans foreward pressing a kiss to his assistants cheek. "I'm staying on my medication. I'm sorry I worried you, I just needed some time to myself to think." Ryan looks into Pete's eyes trying to find some hint of what's going on in his head. Even after all these years as friends Pete is still an enigma to him.

      "Alright. I believe you. Just don't scare me like that again." Ryan scolds. Pete grins at him and Ryan can't resist, he leans forward closing the distance between them and pressing their lips together. Pete smiles into the kiss and holds Ryan close, slippigng his hand under Ryan's shirt to rub circles on his back.

  
\----

 

      Pete steps into the pub and lets his eyes scan over the crowd. It's not that big and no one really seems to invested in the band thats currently on the stage. They're mediocre at best and Pete can't help but wonder how they even got the gig, probably friends of the owner or something. He makes his way to the bar managing to find a stool away from most of the other people. He eyes the glass bottles sitting on the shelf behind the bar and for a moment he's almost tempted.

      "What can I get for you?" Pete looks towards the source of the accented voice and smiles a bit, he recognizes Gabriel from the pictures his private investigator took.

      "Just a diet coke."

      "Diet coke? That stuff will kill you amigo."

      "Not quite as quickly as the alchohol will." Pete says giving him a strained smile. Gabe leans on the counter and smiles at Pete.

      "Well if you aren't drinking then what are you doing here?"

      "Curiosity killed the cat." Pete says playfully.

      "Well its a good thing I'm not a cat then huh?"

      "I guess it is." Gabe grabs a glass and fills it with ice then grabs a can of diet coke from a fridge and places them both in front of Pete.

      "But I am still really curious. You're dressed much nicer than most of the other people that wander in here and you are definitely to hot to be single."

      "Guess you're not as good as reading people as you think. I am in fact very single." Pete lies. "But if you really must know I'm here for work."

      "And what kind of work is that?"

      "Looking for some talent. Though I'm not finding much here." Pete eyes the stage with disdain as the lead singer screeches into his microphone.

      "Not tonight you wont. What kind of work do you do?" Pete can tell that he's definitely got Gabe's attention now. The idiot was falling for his lies just like he'd planned.

      "I'm a recruiter for Decaydance."

      "The record Label?"

      "You've heard of them?"

      "Of course."

      "Well yeah thats what it is. Do any of the bands that play here not sound like shit?"

      "There's a couple. But none of them are as awesome as my band."

      "Oh really?" Pete cocks an eyebrow at him and opens his drink pouring it into the glass.

      "Si, we will be playing here tomorrow night. You should come back then."

      "Maybe I will." Pete takes a few sips then drops some bills on the counter, "Maybe we'll get to know each other a bit better then." He winks towards Gabe before heading towards the exit with a smirk on his face. He doesn't need to look back to know that the other man is watching him as he leaves. Pete will definitely make sure he suffers for hurting Patrick.

      The thought of Patrick brings a smile to Pete's face as he makes his way back to his car. It's been a long day but knowing that he'll be returning home to Patrick is already making all the stress that had built up inside him melt away.


	14. Did you ever think that someone would get worried?

"I'm home." Pete says as he walks inside and kicks his shoes off by the door. He'd almost yelled it but realized that Patrick would probably be asleep since it was so late, he doesn't mind though, because Patrick would probably be sleeping in their bed so Pete could crawl in bed with him.

"You're late." The soft voice from the living room startles him and he looks up to see Patrick standing in the doorway. Pete thinks he looks good, dressed in black skinny jeans and a shirt that Pete is pretty sure is his own under a cardigan.

"I didn't think you'd still be up."

"I was waiting for you..."

"Sorry. I forgot there was a company party today, I had to show my face and lost track of time."

"You could have called." Patrick says looking down at the ground.

"I'm sorry babe." Pete crosses the foyer and puts his hands on Patrick's waist.

The sound is loud, seeming to echo through the house and ringing in both the mens ears. Patrick's hand covers his mouth as he gasps, his eyes wide with suprise. Pete doesn't move. He stands staring at the wall trying to understand what just happened. His cheek is numb but he knows what happened. He was hit, he can feel the anger building up inside of him but he knows he can't let it go. He can't hurt Patrick because he promised him he would make things right. After everything he's done to Patrick a small slap is nothing, he deserves it.

"Pete... I... Oh my god I'm sorry." Patrick steps closer to Pete and moves the older man's hand away from his cheek so he can examine it. "Oh my god..."

"It's fine Patrick." Pete smiles at him and ignores the way his cheek is starting to sting.

"No no no it's not. I shouldn't have hit you. I'm sorry. I'll get you some ice okay."

"Patrick." Pete keeps his voice steady and wraps his arms around Patrick's waist kissing his forehead. "I'm sorry I worried you."

"Pete..." Patrick looks down filled with guilt. He had wanted to do something nice for Pete. He'd spent all day planning it out. He'd made dinner and picked out some movies for them to watch together. He'd wanted to spend the night with Pete. But Pete didn't come home at six like he'd said he would. He wasn't home at eight, and then eleven rolled around and he still hadn't arrived, or even called with an explaination. Patrick had started to worry that something had happened when Pete strolled into the house smelling like a bar with his suit all rumpled. Patrick felt like he'd been lied to all over again.

"Hey no sad faces. Let's get some sleep then in the morning we'll get to work on your memories." Pete rubs circles on Patrick's back and presses a kiss to his cheek. It's been a long day and he just wants to sleep. Patrick steps back away from him and crosses his arms over his chest.

"I'm sorry... I just... I made dinner and I was looking forward to spending time with you... and then you just don't even show up. You said you wanted to make things right and you can't even warn me you weren't coming home til late."

"You're right. I should have told you." Pete's surprised that Patrick had done anything for him. He'd thought that Patrick didn't want anything like a relationship until they got his memories back. But he's happy that Patrick was worried about him. He's happy that Patrick has feelings for him. He spent most of the day worried that he'd get back here and find the house empty. That somehow Patrick would have found out how he spent his day.

"I'm just... I'm gonna sleep in another room okay." Patrick sighs and heads to the stairs.

"Patrick wait." Pete calls after him. Patrick just shakes his head and goes up to one of the spare bedrooms, he sits on the edge of the bed and lets out a sigh laying back. His hand still stings a bit from the slap. He's shocked that he would do that. He's never been a violent person and he's mad at himself for even considering hitting Pete let alone actually doing it.

He lays in bed for what feels like hours feeling horrible. He knows that Pete should have been the one mad at him, in fact he's shocked Pete didn't retaliate. He knows that the older man has struggled with his anger. Maybe he's trying to be better? Patrick tosses and turns a bit, he knows he's not going to be able to sleep in this unfamiliar bed. He feels nervous whenever he's alone for to long.

Patrick decides that sleeping is a lost cause so he gets out of the bed and heads down the hall to Pete's bedroom. He's not surprised to see the light is on, somehow he knows that Pete doesn't sleep well. Pete's sitting up in his bed with his glasses perched on his nose and his computer on his lap. He doesn't say anything when Patrick comes in and just smiles at him when Patrick lays down beside him. It annoys Patrick, like Pete just knew he'd give in and come to sleep with him. Pete puts his computer aside and turns off the light then lays down and puts his arm around the man's waist.

He doesn't like it but Patrick instantly feels more comfortable in his arms, he feels safe and warm. "I'm sorry I was late Trick." Pete whispers, his lips brushing against the back of Patrick's neck.

"It's fine... Is your cheek okay?"

"Yes. I don't even feel it anymore. Now get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay... you sleep too."

"I will now that you're here. I love you Patrick."

"Really?"

"Of course. I'll always love you."

"What if my memory never comes back?"

"I'll still love you. From now until the end of time. You're my angel."

"Angels don't hit people..."

"Patrick. Don't beat yourself up for it okay. Everyone gets angry from time to time. Its healthier to let it out than keep it in."

"You're really okay?"

"Yes" Pete kisses Patrick's head and closes his eyes. "Tired but okay."

"Okay... I'm really sorry."

"I know Patrick. Sweet dreams."

"Night Pete."

"Good night angel." 


	15. there’s nothing important inside of you

Gabe can't remember the last time he was this excited. This is it, is big chance. He can stop his shitty bartending job and become a singer full time. Pete knows that this is what he wants. Pete knows all of Gabe's hopes and dreams. He's learned Gabe's schedule and he knows everyone that he's close to. It's amazing what kind of information some money could buy. Pete has Gabe's entire life all wrapped up in a folder. Now he can make him pay.

Gabe arrives at the studio with his guitar in hand and a confident look on his face. Pete's not in the room. Pete's not even at the studio. He'd like to see the look on Gabe's face in person but he knows better than that. He doens't need to have anything to do with it. It's just like a movie to him and he's going to sit back and enjoy watching it on the monitor from his office on the sixtieth floor of the Wentz corp building.

He watches as Gabe enters the room and greets the men waiting inside for him. They chat about music for a while and they tell Gabe about all the amazing things they'll give him if he's good enough. A record deal, his own studio, a tour with his favorite band, they'll give him everything he's ever dreamed of. Pete picks up his glass of water and takes a sip.

Gabe is charismatic, he's kept a brave face on but Pete can see his tell. He's nervous, he moves his hands a lot as he speaks and his accent becomes stronger. His hands shake as he takes his guitar out of his case. It's his first guitar, he bought it when he was just twelve years old with money he made from hustling some men playing poker at the bar his father frequented.

He starts to play, he's really putting everything he's got into it. Pete smirks at the screen as the song comes to an end, it's time for the fun part to begin. Gabe asks them what they think and they tell him.

"That was absolute shit."

"You're tonedeaf."

"I'd rather listen to a spoon in a blender than hear you play again." They continue on. They tear Gabe down one by one. They pull out all his insecurities and every flaw and they laugh as he shows his pain. They tell him that no record label in its right mind would ever sign him. Gabe runs out of the studio quickly, leaving his guitar behind.

Pete leans back in his chair a look of pure satisfaction on his face. It wasn't as good as seeing it in person but it's only the begining. He'll turn Gabe's life into a living hell until he's at the end of his rope and maybe, just maybe he'll rid the world of his miserable existance. Pete can only hope.


	16. If it’s a sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay in getting things updated. Thank you to everyone putting up with me.

 "You're here!?" Joe's voice is far too loud for this early in the morning and Patrick is much to tired to listen to it but he doesn't complain. It's been a few weeks since they'd all gotten together and he'd started to miss them as annoying as their constant worrying can be at times.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Patrick asks as he sets his new messenger bag down on the table. Everything he had was new and he was really hoping Andy and Joe wouldn't notice. He didn't want to explain where they came from, after all none of them had any money left after the tour. He's practically been living at Pete's house. In fact he hasn't even really gone anywhere. When he remembered that they had a band meeting scheduled he decided that he couldn't just show up wearing Pete's clothes without being interrogated about where he had been and what was going on.

When he had told Pete about the meeting the older man had wanted to come along but that was definitely the worst idea he could have ever had and Patrick made sure to tell him as much. Pete had started pouting and to cheer him up Patrick suggested they go to his apartment and bring his clothes over. It definitely cheered Pete up but instead of going to his apartment Pete brought him to a mall. It wasn't a normal mall either, Patrick had never seen so many high end shops in his life. He objected for a while but in the end he gave in to Pete's insisting and spent a fortune on an all new wardrobe. He'd managed to fill up more than half of a walk in closet with clothes nicer than he'd ever dreamed of owning.

"Well we haven't even seen you since we got back from tour." Andy pointed out.

"Not to mention you barely even answer your phone. I stopped by your apartment the other day and you weren't there. Anything you want to tell us?"

"No. There's nothing. I've just been keeping myself busy I guess. I had probably gone for a run." They don't look completely convinced but they drop the subject. They begin to discuss creating a new album and they fall back into their usual rhythm, teasing each other and occasionally tossing whatever snacks they have around. Patrick hasn't thought about it much but he knows he missed them. They're like his brothers.

"Guys... guys lets play some gigs" Joe says excitedly. It's a bit random, they'd gotten sidetracked nearly an hour ago talking about the TV shows that they had missed while they were touring.

"Where did that come from?" Patrick asks.

"This break thing is great and all but I'm so fucking bored. I need some of that excitement back." Joe says looking between the two.If it's a sin

"Yeah I think that will be fun." Andy agrees.

"So lets do it then" Patrick says with a smile on his face. He's ready to get back on that stage. He's excited because he knows that this time, this time he wont have to look through the crowd and wonder. He knows those brown eyes will be there watching him, supporting him. The idea excites him. He's never really had a real serious relationship. Now he does. Now he has a boyfriend that spoils him and tells him he can do anything. Its exciting.

Patrick pauses when he realizes what he just thought. Is Pete his boyfriend? He knows that he didn't want to jump into anything. He doesn't have his memories, if he gets attached to Pete and then gets his memories back it could make things more complicated. Patrick knows he needs to sort out his feelings. Pete has been working hard at figuring out how he erased his memories in the first place. Apparently his assistant threw out all of his research.

Pete mentions his assistant a lot. Patrick remembers him a bit, he stopped by every now and then to see how they were all doing while Pete was locked up. He'd mention that Pete was getting help but nothing more. He can't help but wonder how close Pete and this Ryan guy are. He remembers something about them growing up together and He's not a bad looking man. Pete says that he loves Patrick but he does have needs and Patrick has refused him over and over again. He makes him spend the nights laying together doing nothing more than cuddling.

He knows he needs to make a decision, but how is he supposed to when all of his memories are locked away. Pete takes care of him now and he says that he really loves him but how much has Pete really hurt him? How much has he lost. He needs to know the truth before he can really choose. He's sure that he'll get his memories back. Until then Patrick knows that he can't give up the comfort and the protection that Pete offers him. The incident at the bar shook him up to much for him to be comfortable alone and Andy and Joe would only overreact and drive him even more crazy.

He keeps thinking and thinking is it wrong for him to be in love with Pete? Because he really thinks he's starting to.


	17. Why would I do that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm sorry to everyone who has been waiting for me to update. It's been a hectic couple of months but everything is back to normal and I'll be updating regularly once again. Thank you all for sticking with me.

          Pete wakes to the feeling of fingers gently carding through his hair and smiles as he presses his face into the silky sheets of his bed. The thing He loves the most about being with Patrick is that he doesn't have to wake up alone. Every morning he wakes up with Patrick sleeping on his chest and it makes him start the day with a smile on his face. But its very unual for Patrick to wake up first. Normally he sleeps like the dead and it takes Pete ages to coax him out of bed.

          "Mornin Trick." He mumbles opening his eyes a bit to look up at the younger man.

          "It's not morning Pete. Well the sun isn't up yet. It's like two thirty." He keeps his voice a whisper.

          "Why you up then?" Pete props himself up on his elbows and leans over pressing a kiss to the singers cheek. Patrick turns his face away and lets out a sigh turning to put his feet on the ground. Pete sits up the rest of the way and wraps his arms around Patrick's waist and hooks his chin over his shoulder. Patrick stiffens a bit and stares down at his hands.

          "You weren't here when I went to sleep again."

          "I know. I'm sorry I had to stay late at work."

          "Is that it really?"

          "Yeah baby. A lot of work built up while I was... away. It's going to take me a while to catch up on all of it."

          "You've been out for a while. With all the time you've spent at work you'd think you'd be caught up already." Patrick's pouting and Pete thinks it's kind of adorable.

          "I'm sorry. I can take the day off. Would you li-"

          "Have you worked on getting my memories back?" Patrick interupts, he turns around and looks into Pete's eyes.

          "I... I have... But it's... It's hard. All my research and stuff... "

          "You're lying." Patrick sighs.

          "No Trick I..."

          "Stop!" Patrick's voice startles both of them and he feels tears pricking at his eyes.

          "Patrick..." Pete whispers, reaching out to brush his fingers against Patrick's cheek. "Today. We'll go down to my lab together." Patrick's gaze softens as he looks into Pete's eyes.

          "We'll work on it until you say we can stop."

          "You swear?" Patrick asks. The older man smiles and nods his head as he leans closer and presses a kiss to his cheek. Patrick lets out a sigh and leans against Pete's chest letting his eyes drift shut.

          "We'll get some more sleep and then go to the lab. I'll do everything I can for you Trick"

          "I don't know if I can sleep." Patrick mumbles. Pete holds him close and presses a kiss to his temple.

          "I'll stay awake until you fall asleep. How does that sound?" Pete asks. Patrick nods his head and the two lay in their bed in a comfortable silence. Neither of them gets any sleep and they both watch as the rising sun starts to creep through the curtains and light up the room.

          Pete doesn't mind the silence though, he likes the way the sun falls on Patrick, making his pale skin shine and revealing the red in his hair. He could lay there for hours just observing the man that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wishes that there was some way for him to show Patrick how much he means to him.  
Everything is finally better between them. They're living together and patrick is there of his own free will. He's happy being with Pete, they're really in love this time.

          "I'm the luckiest man alive" Pete whispers. Patrick stays silent for a moment before propping himself up on his elbow and looking into his boyfriends eyes.

          "Why are you lucky?" He asks.

          "I'm lucky because I love you and you love me back. There's no reason for you to love me. You're so handsome and smart. You've got the voice of an angel. You could have anyone you want in a heart beat, but here you are in my bed. Sleeping in my arms letting me kiss you."

          "I'm not that great." A slight blush paints Patrick's cheeks as he sits up completely. He likes it when Pete compliments him but he knows the stuff about being handsome isn't true. He's average at most.

          "Patrick you're an angel."

          "Nope."

          "Yes." Pete presses a kiss to Patrick's shoulder and untangles his legs from the sheets before getting out of bed. "Now get comfortable. I'm going to bring you breakfast in bed" Pete smiles.

          "Okay okay but only cause I'm starving." Patrick says with a huff.

  
*********************************

  
          "How do you feel?" Pete inquires as he removes the small suction cups that held the wires to Patrick's forehead.

          "Like shit, and now I have a headache" Patrick spits. They had been at it for seven hours now aith no noticable effect. Patrick still remembered nothing and all the poking and prodding had only succeeded in putting him in a sour mood.

          "I'm sorry Trick." Pete leans forward to press a kiss to Patrick's head but the younger man just moves away and crosses his arms over his chest. "Why don't you go get some dinner and get some sleep. Alright baby?"

          "Why is this so hard for you?" Patrick asks, his voice raising.

          "What do yo-"

          "You were able to mess with all my memories while you were a fucking psycho! Now you're sane and you can't do shit." Patrick's words sting but Pete knows he has no right to complain. This whole thing is his fault, he should know how to fix it.

          "I'm sorry Patrick. I'll fix it I swear."

          "Yeah sure you will." Patrick's voice drips with sarcasm and Pete wishes that they had never gotten out of bed that morning. He wishes he could make Patrick as cheerful as he had been that morning.

          "Just give me a little more time baby. I can figure this out." Pete reaches out and rubs Patrick's arms. He wants more than anything to make things right.

          "Don't touch me!" Patrick snaps as he jerks away, raising his hand. Neither of them really register it happening so the sound of the slap startles them. Pete's so shocked that he barely registers the stinging pain in his cheek. He doesn't know what to think.

          Patrick stares at the now red palm of his hand in horror. He can't believe he actually struck Pete and suddenly he's a bit afraid of himself. He doesn't know what compelled him to hit Pete, sure he was frustrated but he didn't think that he was really that upset. Before Pete can say anything Patrick scurries out of the room and slams the door shut behind him as he goes to lock himself in the bedroom.

          Pete stands in place for a few moments before bringing his hand up to feel his cheek where the blow hit him. He glances at his reflection in a nearby mirror and notes that despite his tanned skin he can see where its reddened. He's pretty sure that it's going to leave a bruise. He's mad at himself. If he hand't hurt Patrick the younger man would be living a happy life. The old Patrick would never dream of harming a fly let alone another person. Pete hates that he was the one that changed the man he loved.

He sets to work trying to find a solution with a renewed sense of purpose. He works the whole night. Determined not to give up no matter what the cost.


	18. A nail is driven into the heart

Chapter 18

Patrick's heart pounds in his chest and he finds himself wiping his sweaty palms on his pants for what seems like the thousandth time. He's on the love seat in Andy and Joe's apartment squeezed into the small amount of space left between them. Joe had suggested they sit on the full sized couch but Patrick had been unfortunate enought to catch his bandmates being intimate on it far to many times and refused to even touch it.

"Is it time yet?" Andy asks wiggling a bit in his seat.

"Calm down babe there's still two minutes." Joe assures him. He reaches across the back of the couch and rubs his boyfriends neck. Patrick considers moving to the floor but he wants to have a good view when it starts.

Their second album was just seconds away from being released and all three of them were eager to see the response from their fans. They had their computers lined up on the coffee table with every site they thought the responses might be posted; facebook, tumblr, twitter, instagram. They had them all open and a timer on Patrick's new iphone counted down to the release. Patrick felt like he was going to be sick as the timer hit zero and the album was out.

The three men had worked their asses off to get this album together. Shortly after their tour had ended the men had a disagreement with their label and they'd been dropped. They were sure that it was over for them. Andy had even gone back to the comic book store to see about getting his job back. They didn't have to worry though. They met to practice one day and Patrick told him that he had gotten them an agent and everything they'd need to still get the album out. They got back in the studio and finished recording the album.

Andy had his suspicions about where the money came from but they had been far to busy for him to bring anything up. They both noticed the changes though, he wasn't living in his apartment anymore and all his clothes where brand new and name brand. His hair was proffessionally styled and it was clear he'd stopped cutting it himself. He always seemed to have some new gadget every time they saw him, two brand new laptops, a tablet, an Iphone and even an apple watch. Andy and Joe knew they'd have to talk to him about it soon. They both knew there was only one person that had the money to get those things for Patrick and they were worried about his safety.  
The responses start flooding in and the three read them closely as they pop up on the screen. A smile spreads across Patrick's face as his worries are eased, the fans love it. Joe goes to the fridge and grabs drinks for them all and while Patrick and Andy don't normally drink they decide that just this once would be okay, after all its time for them to celebrate.

**********

  
The sun is just starting to creep up as Patrick gets out of the cab in front of the mansion. He still feels weird calling such a luxurious house home but thats what it is now. The intoxicated man can't help but giggle at the thought and for some reason knowing there's nothing to laugh about makes it even funnier. He makes it up to the front door and waits for his laughter to subside before fumbling with the lock and making his way into the house.

He tries a few times to hang his fedora on the hook Pete had put up for him but after a few misses he decides its best to just leave it on the floor. He kicks his shoes off and picks them up to put them in the shoe rack. He notices the black converse Pete normally wears to work are in their slot and smiles. He loves coming home to a boyfriend. Having warm arms wrap around him as he cuddles into bed makes him feel safe and loved. Pete makes his way up the wooden steps carefully and tries to tiptoe to their bedroom.   
The door creaks a bit as he opens it and he slips into the room. He stubs his toe on the dresser and covers his mouth to keep from making anymore noise. He looks at the bed and in the dim light from the rising sun he can make out the silhouete of Pete where he sleeps on the bed. Patrick is happy to finally be home and normally he'd be careful to not wake the other man but right now he just wants some affection.

Patrick pulls off his shirt and lets it drop to the floor then attempts to get off his pants, cursing himself for wearing skinny jeans. Pete stirs a bit in the bed and turns to face Patrick. "Trick?" He mumbles the words and Patrick can't help but think how hot he sounds when he first wakes up. The singer crawls onto the bed and presses a kiss to his boyfriends cheek.

"Hi Pete" He giggles. Pete's more awake now and he stretches his arms out above his head.

"Trick its..." He pauses to glance at the clock. "Its five thirty. Are you just getting home?"

"Pete... Pete I'm gonna kiss you okay" The sheets fallen away from Pete's chest revealing his tattood skin and Patrick can't help but reach out and run his fingers over the thorns around his neck.

"Are... Are you drunk Patrick?" Patrick ignores his question because he knows it should be obvious he's been drinking. Instead he lays himself on top of his boyfriend and presses kisses against his neck. He thinks he's been an idiot, all this time they've been together and he's always turned Pete down. Even when he was in the mood himself he'd just go to the bathroom and take a long shower. He'd been afraid to get to close to the other man. But he doesn't care anymore. Him and Pete are dating. They live together. They should be intimate whenever they want.

"Patrick... Wait..." Pete gasps as Patrick bites at the sensitive skin on his collar bone.

"No. No more waiting Pete." Patrick says, continuing to press kisses against Pete's tanned skin.

"Patrick." Pete cups Patrick's cheek with his hand and pulls him closer for a kiss. "We can do whatever you want Patrick. But you're not sober right now and I don't want you to be upset when you are..."

"Pete I want you." Patrick presses himself close his boyfriend and he can feel that Pete wants him too.

"I know baby. I know but lets go back to sleep and if you're sober when we wake up we can do it then."

"I want you now Petey. You do too I can tell."

"No Trick. Not now okay." Pete tries to move Patrick off of him and something seems to change on the younger mans face. He grabs ahold of Pete's wrists and presses them down against the bed.

"Why Pete? Why can't we do it when I want to? You made me. I didn't want you and you made me do it anyway. So now I want to have sex with you."

"Trick..." Patrick can see the fear in his boyfriends eyes but he doesn't care. It's the truth. Pete forced him to do things that he didn't want to do and now he wouldn't give Patrick what he wanted. It wasn't fair.

"I'm not a bad person like you are Pete. I would never force you like you did to me. So... Just say yes. Make love to me. I want you." Patrick's grip on his wrists tightens a bit as he speak. Pete doesn't know what's going on. He's never seen Patrick like this before and it scares him. Everything had been good between them. Patrick had been in a great mood when he left for his bandmates apartment early. Pete lets out a sigh of defeat and nods his head.

"Alright Patrick." Pete says leaning up to press a kiss to his lips. "You're right. Sorry." Patrick smiles at his boyfriend and wraps his arms around his waist kissing him back. Pete doesn't really mind really. He's wanted to be with Patrick for a long time but he was always afraid to press the issue. Now Patrick wanted it to. He was just worried that Patrick would change his mind once he's sober.


	19. I was always satisfied with having you.

               “Numb.” Pete shrugs. He’s got more important things to do than sit in his therapists office answering the same questions that she asks every single time he comes in. Of course she’s not nearly as bad as the other therapists he tried out since leaving the mental institute. That’s why he’d continued to see her after the first visit. Today she was just irritating him though. The hour seemed to be dragging by and it was driving him crazy. He was so close to a breakthrough and here he was sitting on a couch away from Patrick. He just wanted to get home.

               “Numb? What’s making you feel that way Peter?”

               “Pete.” He reminds her instead of answering. What was he supposed to tell her? The drugs they were stuffing him full of? He didn’t want them changing it at all, he was good at taking them now. He knows he needs to stay sane for Patrick. He could tell her its work but then she might suggest he take some of that time off and he couldn’t do that. He’d already cut back in order to spend more time working on Patrick. The work was really building up and Ryan was getting nosy. Pete’s sure it’s only a matter of time before he shows up at the mansion or gets in touch with Patrick’s friends.

               “You’re avoiding the question again.”

               “I don’t know what it is.”

               “Have you been sleeping okay?”

               “Great”

               “Really? I know you’ve had trouble with insomnia in the past.” Pete regrets his answer right away. He can’t tell her about Patrick. No one can know that they’re back together, or can they? Nothing illegal is happening. Patrick never had him arrested and now they were together willingly. They’re in love. Pete should be able to show it in public, shouldn’t he?

               “I think it’s my boyfriend.” He admits. The only person who knew what he had done to Patrick was his therapist at the institute, and even then he didn’t know the full extent. It would be safe to tell this woman.

               “Boyfriend? So you’re in a relationship now?”

               “Yeah.”

               “Is it serious?”

               “We live together now. I want to marry him.”

               “You haven’t been together for long have you? Isn’t it a bit early to be thinking about marriage?”

               “We’ve been together on and off a while.” He shrugs. No need to tell this woman everything.

               “Can you elaborate?” Pete thinks she’s too nosy for her own good but he knows that he’s paying her to be.

               “We got together before… I was on my medication and it was good.”

               “Then what happened?”

               “I got bad. I stopped taking my medication and hurt him… We were going to get married in Hawaii.”

               “You’ve never mentioned this to me before.”

               “It’s not something I’m proud of.”

               “Who ended the relationship?”

               “He did. He told me he couldn’t be with me while I was sick. He’s the reason I got help. He promised me he’d go on a date with me when I got out.”

               “It sounds like he cares about you a lot.” She says. Pete doesn’t mind talking now. He’s had to keep Patrick a secret from everyone he knows it feels good to finally share how amazing his boyfriend is.

               “I love him. God he’s amazing, really.”

               “What do you find amazing about him?” She’s sensed that Pete wants to talk about him, it’s not often that he’s so willing to open up.

               “Everything. He’s like an angel and he’s got this amazing voice. When you compliment him his whole face turns red. He’s got a band and they just released their second album a few weeks ago. They’re really famous now. He’s gonna tour the world and it’s just amazing that he even gives me a second look you know?”

               “Now why do you say that? You’re not exactly a bad catch yourself. You’re attractive and you’ve got quite the job.”

               “Yeah but I’m also a terrible human being and kind of a social wreck.” Pete shrugs his shoulders. There’s no reason for Patrick to like him.

               “You aren’t a terrible mistake Peter.”

               “Pete.”

               “You are a good person. You regret the things that your illness made you do. You have a tendency to let the past hold you back.”

               “I can’t just forget about those things that I did.”

               “No, you can’t. But you can use those things to make yourself a person that you’re proud of. Look back on them as a learning experience.”

               Pete had stopped listening to her, his mind was stuck on the words that had left his mouth because they weren’t true. He could forget those things. He could forget everything. But he can’t do that. He can’t give up his life with Patrick no matter what. He’s far to in love with the younger man.

               The younger man whose life is moving forward, whose band is taking off and who will soon be touring the world, the younger man whose mood only seems to get worse when him and Pete are together. That’s what scares Pete the most. Patrick’s getting ahead in life. Patrick is realizing his dreams and Pete’s just stuck, stuck in the past, stuck in his job, stuck with this illness. He can’t help but wonder, was he holding Patrick back? How far could he go with his voice if he had to hide part of himself from the world?

               “Pete you’ve zoned out on me again.” His therapist says as she crosses one of her legs over the other and taps her pen on her notepad.

               “Sorry…. I’m just thinking.”

               “Thinking about what?”

               “My boyfriend.”

               “Do you want to tell me what about?”

               “I don’t think I’m ready for marriage.” Pete notices that there’s only a couple minutes left of their session now and stands up putting on his jacket. “Thanks Ms. Camper.” He says as he quickly leaves the office, more on his mind now than when he’d gone in.


	20. Far from now

Ryan really, really hated quite a few of the people he had to work with on a daily basis, there were the money hungry executives, the overly flirtatious secretaries, the mailroom worker who always forgot to pick up his outgoing mail. But none of them even reached the level of hate that Ryan had for the cocky jackass that was gunning for his own position. Brendon Urie has been a thorn in his side since the day Pete made him acting C.E.O.  

               At first he’d thought the boy was just an idiot. He constantly mixed up paper work, gave Ryan incorrect numbers, and even once gave the wrong presentation. Yet despite all that he still paraded around the office like he owned the place and somehow managed to convince people that the mistakes were Ryan’s fault. Just the thought of working with that boy made Ryan’s blood boil, and now he was stuck. Pete was showing up at the office less and less and that meant that Ryan was now working with the most annoying man on the planet for most of his day. 

               “Hey RyRo” Brendon has a big grin on his face as he sits down and props his feet up on the coffee table in Ryan’s office. “I heard a new thing from some of the secs.” Ryan does his best to ignore the man as he prattles on about useless office gossip. That is until the words,  _Sleeping with the boss,_ come out of the other man’s lips. Ryan stops typing in the middle of a word and glances up, he silently curses himself as he catches Brendon’s gaze. “That one got your attention did it?” 

               Ryan definitely did not need this. He had to deal with enough problems getting people to listen to him without there being a rumor of him sleeping with Pete. You’d think these people would show some respect to the man who really signs their paychecks but they have none. Since a drunken mistake at an office party a few months before Pete returned everyone now knew his sexual orientation and that was not something he was okay with. He hated the looks he caught people giving him every now and then. If only they knew that the big boss was gay as well, Ryan wonders how many of them would quit. 

               “RyRo, hey are you listening?” Speaking of drunken mistakes, Ryan returns his attention to Brendon.  

               “I don’t care about senseless office gossip Mr. Urie. Now please be on your way. Someone has to actually get work done around here and I seem to be the only one willing to do it.”  Ryan does his best to keep his voice steady but he can’t help that his words are tinted with annoyance. Of course the stupid grin doesn’t leave Brendon’s face for a second. 

               “Well it’s not technically office gossip if it happened outside this office. See this band just signed with Decaydance right? So one of the accountants was there late checking their paperwork and stuff and the singer from this band was still in the recording booth.” 

               “Brendon please go do you-“ 

               “Making out with Mr Wentz.” Ryan’s stomach does something weird as his mind registers the words coming from Brendon’s mouth. He should have known something was wrong. He should have known Pete wouldn’t have moved back to that house alone. “Whoa… Ryan? Hey are you okay?” Brendon asks as he makes his way over to the desk. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

               “Shit.” Ryan gets up quickly and grabs his phone off its charger before heading for the door. He’s going to kick Pete’s ass.

               “Ryan. Ryan wait for me,” Brendon calls after his superior as the other man hurries to the elevator and presses the button repeatedly. The doors are already open by the time Brendon catches up and both men get onto the elevator. “Ryan you can’t just leave you’ve got a meeting in fifteen minutes.”

               “You handle it.” Ryan presses the button for the parking garage.

               “What? No way I can’t just step in like that. I don’t have any of the information.” Brendon insists.

               “Look just handle it. Reschedule or something if you have too I need to talk to Pete now.” To Ryan’s annoyance Brendon follows him to his car. He presses the remote to unlock the door but when he tries to open it Brendon steps forward and puts his hand on it. He’s much too close for Ryan’s liking and he shoots the other man a glare. “Brendon I’m serious. Get back inside and do your fucking job.”

               “Ryan you’re freaking out about something. I’m sure it’s just a stupid rumor or something. It’s not like it matters that Pete’s with some singer does it?” Brendon’s voice is calm and Ryan knows he’s being reasonable, or at least he thinks he is. He has no idea how serious this situation could be if Pete messes up again. If he gets arrested the whole company is screwed. Their stocks will drop and most of their investors will end their support. Pete may not care but Ryan refuses to let this company go to ruin.

               “I am not freaking out Brendon. Just do your job and leave me alone.”

               “But why does it matter so much?”

               “Pete’s my boyfriend.” Ryan regrets the words as they slip out of his mouth. Brendon’s a gossip, half the office could know by the time Ryan got back. He doesn’t get the response he expected though. Brendon presses his lips tightly together and Ryan can’t help but focus on them for just a second, remembering how soft they had felt pressed against his own. His gaze meets Brendon and it’s really just a second but it feels like forever as he sees the hurt look in them. Before he can say anything else Brendon’s moved away from the door and hurriedly walks back to the elevator.

               Ryan gets into his car and leaves the office not letting himself think about the encounter. Right now he needs to focus on fixing Pete’s problems once again. He waits until he reaches a stoplight to take his phone out and send a quick text to Andy and Joe, telling them to meet him at a coffee shop not far from the comic shop where Andy used to work. Clearly the three of them are going to have to figure this whole thing out once again.


	21. If being genuine is a sin

Andy sits with his hands clasped on his lap as he watches the clock on the far wall tick away the seconds. It’s unbearably quiet in the studio, he was the only one there since it was supposed to be their day off but he’d needed to find an excuse to meet up with Patrick and the other man had been hard to see when it wasn’t related to the band. So Andy had lied, said he was having some trouble with the drum part for a song they’d been working on and insisted Patrick come to the studio to give him a hand. Patrick had agreed and they’d set a time. Patrick was already three minutes late, which made Andy worry. Patrick was always big on being on time. He always reprimanded Joe when he made them late leaving the venues because he’d stop to talk to someone. He was just starting to think that Patrick wasn't going to show when he hurried into the room.

"Oh man, I'm sorry I'm late Andy." Patrick says as he fixes his hat on his head, another new one.

"I was starting to worry something had happened to you."

"Really, really sorry." Patrick's hair is disheveled and he's missed a button on his shirt. Andy decides not to say anything about that or about the small bruise peeking out of the collar of his shirt. It's all just more proof for what he's about to bring up and he's hoping that this doesn't leave bad feelings between them.

"It's fine Patrick. I just got here a few minutes ago myself." That's not true. Andy's been here for nearly an hour trying to think of the right way to approach the subject.

"Alright well do you want to get started then?"

"Actually... Can I ask you something first?" The two men have been best friends for most of their lives. They've always been honest with each other. Every crush every embarrasing mistake. He wants to understand why Patrick went back to Pete about everything. He wants to understand why he felt the need to hide it from his friends.

"You know you can ask me anything Andy." Patrick has a smile on his face as he sits down in a chair opposite Andy.

"Well... We've noticed something and I thought... I thought I'd ask you before jumping to any conclusions."

"Who's we?" Patrick sits up straighter and shifts his gaze down to the floor.

"Joe and I... We um... We went by your place the other night and you weren't there. We ran into your neighbor on the way out. You know the little old lady that watches everything out her peephole."

"Yeah... She's kinda weird."

"She is but um... She said that she hasn't seen you in weeks."

"Well yeah we've been busy working and stuff. I guess I must just be coming home when she isn't watching."

"Well that's kind of what we thought too... Except then we ran into your land lord and he said the mailman had complained that your mailbox was too full too put anything else in and to ask you to empty it."

"Well I don't normally expect anything so..."

"Patrick where are you living?" Andy keeps his voice level. He's not accusing Patrick of anything and he hopes that the singer understands. Patrick is silent, he stares at the ground and chews his lip nervously as he thinks of a way to answer. Andy and Joe hate Pete. They've made that much clear. Patrick is afraid that they might try to seperate them.

"With Pete." He looks up again and meets Andy's gaze once again.

"Are you happy with him?" Andy asks to Patrick's surprise. With everything that had happened the last thing Patrick expected was for Andy to accept it.

"I'm really happy with him. He's kind now and he's taking his medicine regularly. He hasn't hurt me and if he so much as thinks he's hurt my feelings he starts to apologize."

"You really trust him?"

"I do. I know it's hard to believe but he makes me feel better... He makes me see the good things in myself and I honestly couldn't stand living alone..."

"Okay... You know I'd never judge you right? I'm just curious... Its got nothing to do with all the stuff he's bought you right?"

"Seriously? You think I would be with someone for their money? You know me better than that Andy."  
  
"I'm sorry its... He kidnapped you and he... Well he raped you. I'm just struggling to understand why you want to be with him. After everything..."

"I was scared at first Andy... For a long time... I'd get like these images and hear his voice. I thought I was going crazy but it was my memories trying to break through... and I know they're from a time when he was lying to me, when he gave me fake memories, but he truly cared about me. He took my memories away and he told me lies but... but during that time he didn't force me to love him. I fell in love with him then and I've been in love with him ever since."

"You're sure about this?"

"I'm positive."

"Okay... I'll talk to Joe and Ryan then."

"Ryan knows?"

"Well yeah... I guess him and Pete had been living together before you and Pete got together. He found out and came to us to make sure you were okay."

"Oh I see... Do you still want to work on that drum part?"

"Well really I just wanted a chance to talk to you about this."

"You could have just asked me."

"The same way you could have told us you got back with Pete."

"Okay... I deserve that I guess."

"Friends still?"

"Of course Andy. Friends forever." Patrick gives the drummer a smile as he gets to his feet and stretches.

"Good. I'm gonna head home before Joe trashes the place again. Take care of yourself alright Patrick. I'll see you at the next practice."

"See you Andy. Thanks for understanding." Him and Andy share a quick hug before Patrick is heading back out the door and over to his car. He's glad Andy didn't walk outside with him. If he was already questioning his motives for being with Pete he definitely would if he saw the shiny black mercedes that sat outside. Patrick had really told Pete he didn't need his own car about a million times but he still woke up on their anniversary to find a bouquet of flowers and the keys on his nightstand.

Patrick is happy that his friend has accepted his relationship and he hopes that both Andy and Joe will let him bring Pete around sometimes. Maybe they could even go on double dates. As Patrick gets into the car he can't help but think back to what Andy had said about Ryan. He and Pete had been living together. Were they just friends or something more? Patrick remembers seeing Ryan a few times after he first returned home from the hospital. Ryan was really good looking, much more so than Patrick. What if him and Pete had been together. What if they were still together. Patrick would understand really. Ryan's much more attractive than he is and him and Pete have a lot of history. Patrick wouldn't be surprised if Pete was just with him because he felt bad about what he'd done.

All the possible situations run through Patrick's head as he begins the drive home. He starts to think of all the nights Pete's come home late. The few nights that he'd had to go out of town for work. Patrick starts to imagine that all those times they were apart he was actually with Ryan. Kissing Ryan, making love to Ryan. He imagines Pete whispering words of love into Ryan's ear and the thoughts make patrick want to scream and cry all at the same time. By the time he pulls into the garage he's absolutely convinced that Pete's been cheating on him with Ryan this whole time and he has to blink back the tears from his eyes.


	22. I'm already the bad guy.

               Pete knows for sure that there is nothing better than the feeling of Patrick’s arms wrapped around him as they lay together on the couch an old movie playing on the TV. They’re sprawled across the couch, most of Pete’s body rests on top of Patrick and his head lays on the younger mans chest. He loves being able to hear Patrick’s heart beat in his chest, loves the way Patrick’s fingers trail lazily across his bare back, how every now and then Patrick tilts his head down to press a kiss to Pete’s forehead. Pete wishes that they could stay this way forever, wishes that they could spend every day wrapped in each other’s arms sharing kisses and words of love. He wishes all of that could happen but he knows that right now something isn’t right. Despite their intimate position and Patrick’s loving touch Pete knows that something isn’t right. Patrick’s barely spoken to him since he got home from band practice.

               Patrick’s lifts his hand away from Pete’s back and begins to gently card his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. He was hoping to find a way to talk to Pete about what he had been told today but the more he thought about it the angrier he became. Pete spent half of their time together talking about how much he loved Patrick, how perfect he was, how happy he was that Patrick wanted to be with him. Patrick knows the truth now. He knows those words were all lies. He feels betrayed and though he doesn’t want to admit it, heartbroken. He thought he finally had something good, he thought that they could be happy together. Now reality was coming crashing down around him and he saw his relationship with Pete for what it really was, nothing but pity and guilt.

               He’s known from the beginning that he was the one to pursue Pete. The older man may have come to see the bands concert but Patrick was sure now that it was just to make sure that Patrick was dealing okay. When he saw what a mess the singer had become he must have felt bad. He must have known that he was the cause of it and wanted to make up for what he had done. He never loved Patrick. When the man from the bar took advantage of him Pete must have felt that it was his thought again, that’s why he’d taken care of Patrick. That’s why he’d brought Patrick to his house. They’d never actually discussed Patrick living here. He had just assumed that Pete wanted him there as much as he wanted to be. But Pete never suggested he sell his apartment. Never suggested he bring his things from home. All of it was just an act. It was just a ruse to try and make up for the wrong he had done in the past. All of it just made Patrick more and more angry at the man that lay on him.

               “Pete” They both can hear the anger in Patrick’s voice despite how much he tries to calm himself. Pete’s been waiting for Patrick to speak, now he wishes that they could go back to the comfortable silence they’d had seconds before.

               “Yeah Trick?” Pete’s voice shakes a bit as he lifts his head to look into patrick’s eyes.

               “Sit up” Patrick orders him, he doesn’t mean to but it just comes out that way. Pete sits up slowly, untangling his limbs from Patrick’s and pulling his knees up to his chest. Patrick’s sure he must know by now that he’s caught. He must know and that’s why he’s trying to make himself look smaller, he’s trying to look innocent and all it does it piss Patrick off more. “Why did you do it?” He asks glaring daggers at the man he thought was his boyfriend.

               “Do what?”

               “Don’t play stupid.” Patrick’s voice is almost a growl and Pete wishes he could vanish, wishes he knew what he had done now to upset Patrick. Then he could apologize.

               “I… I really don’t know Trick. Whatever I did I’m sorry… I just… I don’t know what I did.” Pete’s voice shakes as he talks and he’s not really sure what is wrong with him. Patrick’s anger seems to be radiating off him and filling the room, Pete’s never seen him like this and he has to admit to himself that the Patrick that sits next to him on the couch scares him.

               Patrick lets out a sigh and reaches out once again carding his fingers through Pete’s hair, once, twice, the third time he stops and grips Pete’s hair tightly making his boyfriend wince. “What happened to loving me? Was all of that a lie?”

               “What? No Patrick, no I love you more than anything. I do. You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

               “Then why wasn’t I enough? Because I didn’t put out right away? I’d been drugged and raped! You think I wanted to let another man anywhere near my body? Do you think that didn’t hurt me at all? I trusted you! I let you close because I thought I meant something to you!” Patrick’s voice gets louder as he talks and soon he’s yelling his fingers still lightly gripping Pete’s hair.

               “No no Patrick you’re more than enough. You’re everything. I do love you, I do.” Patrick’s words make Pete realize what he’s done wrong. He knows that Patrick’s found out that he was still close to Ryan. He doesn’t know how Patrick found out but he knows that he deserves Patrick’s anger. He had wanted to keep his friend from getting suspicious and he had betrayed the man that he loves. “It didn’t mean anything. I was all alone and he started to take care of me and I just… I felt so lonely and I wanted to feel like someone loved me and then you came back into my life and I wanted to stop, I stopped living with him and I only see him at work but he’d get suspicious if I just stopped and I wanted to protect what I had with you.”

               “They you shouldn’t have cheated on me!”

               “Please, please Patrick don’t leave me.” Pete’s eyes spill over with tears and despite Patrick’s grip on him he attempts to move closer to Patrick, to wrap his arms around him and beg for forgiveness. He couldn’t bare to be alone again. “Please Patrick. Please don’t leave me I’d die without you.”

               “I don’t care.” Patrick spits. He doesn’t think it was that hard, he doesn’t even think he’d have that kind of strength, he just wanted Pete away from him so that he had some space to breath and He pushed the other man away. He really doesn’t think he pushed that hard but Pete’s on the ground, holding the back of his head where it smacked into the coffee table on his way down. Pleas for Patrick not to leave him still spill from his mouth and Patrick feels like he’s going to be sick. He jumps up from the couch and runs to their bedroom locking the door behind him before hurrying to the en suite and dropping to his knees beside the toilet. He gags as the sound of Pete’s head hitting the wood echoes through his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY.


	23. When did our Crystal like feelings become so opaque?

               Five songs recorded in just two weeks. Patrick’s proud that they’ve been able to do so much. With how it’s going they’ll be able to move the album release back to its original date. When he’d first started dating Pete once again he had wanted to spend as much time as possible with the other man, now he the more time he spent at home the more miserable he felt. Despite Joe and Andy’s complaints he’d managed to get them on board with trying to get caught up to the original plan. They’d release this album early and then they’d have time to maybe get a few Christmas songs out just in time for the holidays. Because of all that they had pretty much lived in their studio. He could tell that his focus on the music worried his band mates but he managed to dodge their questions for the most part. Even if they are his best friends his love life was none of their business.

               Not that there was much of a love life left. Patrick wasn’t even sure why he stayed at Pete’s house still. They hadn’t even spoken a word to each other in the two weeks three days and fifty six minutes since they’d fought. Patrick tried not to think about it too much but he couldn’t erase the pain he felt after being betrayed. He knows that he reacted badly to the situation. He knows he could have handled the situation better, made Pete sit and talk to him about it. After all Patrick was supposed to be the rational one. He’s the one who could be a regular functioning human without a cocktail of pills every morning. The whole situation just irritated him and he knew that he had to keep himself busy so he wouldn’t think about it too much. The more he worked the less he thought about Pete and the less he saw the man. He couldn’t even walk in the front door at home without Pete wandering in from wherever he was spending his time that day. 

               Pete tried to hide it but Patrick wasn’t an idiot, Pete had stopped going to work all together as though he thought avoiding Ryan Ross would just make all their problems go away. But Patrick was determined not to let it slide that easily. Pete cheated on him and he wasn’t going to forgive that. Patrick tells himself on a daily basis that he’s going to move back to his apartment but he can’t bring himself to actually do it. There are nights when he can’t handle being on his own. He starts to hear voices whispering in his ear all the things that are wrong with him. He knows that somehow Pete has the power to keep those voices away and Patrick doesn’t want to be far from him when it happens.

               As Patrick quietly lets himself into the house it’s nearly three in the morning, he can already tell  its  going to be one of those nights and he wishes that he wasn’t so reliant on Pete to comfort him. He can tell that Pete’s asleep already as he walks inside. The older man has taken to sleeping on the couch in the TV room, Patrick thinks it’s stupid when there are so many guest rooms but he doesn’t say anything. They haven’t spoken and he’s not going to be the one to break that silence.

               He hangs his coat and hat by the door then quietly slips off his shoes and places them on the shoe rack that he’d made Pete buy when he first move in, Pete had a habit of leaving all of his shoes piled by the front door and Patrick had grown tired of tripping on them. Patrick hears the leather from the couch squeak as Pete shifts in his sleep and he makes his way into the living room to kneel next to the sleeping man. He won’t be the first one to talk so instead he reaches out and gives Pete a gentle shake. His eyes are open in an instant and look into Patrick’s with curiosity as his mind processes the situation. He parts his lips and for a moment Patrick thinks he’s going to speak, instead he lets out a yawn and stretches his arms out above his head then wiggles back and pulls the blanket back. Patrick can’t help the smile that tugs at his cheeks as he lays down and presses his body against Pete’s. He can’t help but feel protected as Pete’s arms wrap around his torso. He wants to hate Pete, he really  really  does but he can’t do it. 

               Pete is happy to have Patrick back in his arms. He knows it’s only temporary but he can’t help but hold the younger man close and press kisses to his head. Sometimes when Patrick lets Pete get close to him Pete thinks he can feel the dull ache in the back of his head but he knows it’s just his imagination. The bump had gone away after the first few days. Pete wished that Patrick would talk to him about that night. He wished they could just figure this all out. It’s clear that Patrick doesn’t want him anymore but why hasn’t he left yet? Not knowing what’s going to happen in the future scares Pete, he needs to know if Patrick is going to leave him or not, needs to know if he should prepare himself. He knows that he can’t be left alone. Not after everything. If Patrick leaves then Pete can’t stay here alone, he’ll have to go back to the penthouse, back to living with Ryan. 

               Of course that means he’d have to deal with Ryan’s constant comments about how he’s not doing his job and questions about his mental state, he really didn't want to go back to that. He didn't love Ryan the way he loves Patrick and he hates how afraid of Ryan he was, wishes that he could go back in time and change everything. He wishes that he could just go back to the day he first saw Patrick. He wishes that he could erase everything, all the pain and even all the love, because he's starting to believe that he can never get their relationship back to the way it once was. He can never repair the damage he did. 

             The two men spend the rest of the night on the couch, wrapped in each others arms. Patrick wishing that time could freeze and Pete wishing he could go back. Their love for each other is strong but  its  also painful. In the early hours of the morning when Pete wakes up, the sky outside is hidden behind  grey  storm clouds that rumble with the impending storm. As he listens to the first few drops hit the window it comes to him, he knows the formula. He remembers what he did. He thinks it might only be because he didn't take his medication the night before, no one in their right mind could ever concoct something like that.

               Very carefully he untangles himself from Patrick and gets off the couch. He pauses for a moment and watches his boyfriend sleep. Since the very first day he's been entranced by Patrick's beauty. His  porcelain  skin and his blue green eyes that always seem to  pierce into Pete's soul no matter what they're talking about. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Patrick's forehead. He knows that he has to let Patrick go, he has amazing talents and he'll keep moving forward with them. Pete knows that he needs to stop holding him back. Pete places his hand on Patrick's cheek and lightly runs his thumb over his soft lips. Pete wishes that he could kiss them once more but he knows that he can't wake Patrick up. The singer will sleep  til  late in the afternoon if he's allowed and Pete needs all the time he can get. He makes sure to turn off Patrick's phone before standing straight and heading down to his lab. He has a lot of work to do.


	24. Our love has ended, I've let you go, and now my heart is empty

               There really is nothing left to do. Pete knows that. He’s known it for some time now but he couldn’t help but hold on to that tiny bit of hope that everything would be okay, everything would work itself out and in the end he’d be happy. Now as he stands in the doorway of his old bedroom he knows that even that last bit of hope fizzled out. Everything was ready, it was all in place and all that was left to do was put it into motion. That’s why he’d gone back to the pent house. None of it would work without Ryan’s help, after all Pete needed someone to take care of him once it was all settled. 

               He’d finished his work in the early hours of the morning and had immediately set off for the pent house that he had done his best to avoid for so long. He was going to wake Ryan up and tell him the plan before Patrick woke up. He never expected to find that Ryan wasn’t the only person occupying his apartment. He never expected to find Ryan naked in bed with another man wrapped around him; he especially did not expect to find Brendon Urie there. So he leans in the doorway watching the obvious couple sleep, watching how no matter what way the move in their sleep the other seems to follow, even unconscious they seem to crave each other’s touch. He finds himself if Patrick and he were ever like that, but he doubts it. Patrick always complains that he gets hot at night, but he never allows Pete to turn the air conditioning up.

               There’s a pair of jeans on the floor, Brendon’s judging by the quality, a pack of cigarettes sticks out of the pocket and Pete finds himself craving one even though he quit smoking years ago. He thinks he deserves one now so he picks up the pack and is happy to find a lighter already inside it. Brendon’s clearly been living here at Pete’s expense so he decides to pocket the pack after taking one out. He leans in the doorway for a bit longer, the cigarette perched between his lips flicking the lighter on and off for a few minutes before actually bringing it up to light the cigarette. He debates whether to wake both of them or just Ryan; though he’s pretty sure Brendon will have to be woken up in order for Ryan to escape his grip anyway. Pete just shrugs his shoulders and flips on the bedroom light before making his way back to the living room and plopping down on the couch.  

              Knots, Ryan’s cat, gets up from where it was asleep on a chair and jumps over to Pete to rub against him. Pete’s not really a cat person, but he gives the creature’s head a few scratches anyway before he picks it up and lightly drops it onto the floor.

  
                “Pete… I didn’t expect you to come here.” Ryan says. Pete looks over to see the younger man standing at the edge of the room with a nervous look on his face.

               “I like being unpredictable.”

               “Look Pete…”

               “Definitely surprised to see you in bed with Urie didn’t think you’d be into the hyperactive type.”

               “I’m not really. He’s got a nice ass though.” Ryan seems more relaxed now. He walks over and sits in the other couch across from Pete. “I don’t know really, there’s something endearing about him.”

               “Is he living here?”

               “No just sleeping. He likes that… post sex cuddling or some shit.”

               “You’re trying to blow it off, but I can see it in your eyes.”

               “See what?” Ryan leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees.

               “The love, you’re in love with him.” Pete smirks a bit as he sees the shock registering on Ryan’s face. He’s in love with Brendon; Pete never thought he’d see that. He never thought he’d ever see Ryan in a relationship. He wonders, briefly, if Ryan will settle down. Wonders if they’ll get a place together; get married, start a family. It makes him smile as he imagines a future like that.

               In his mind him and Patrick are together, they’re married and Patrick’s decided to start a solo career but he still makes sure they have more than enough family time. Family time, because they are a family, they have two sons and they’ve moved to a house near a beach with a white picket fence. Ryan and Brendon, they’re married as well and they don’t have a kid yet but they’ve picked out a surrogate. On the weekends they come over to play with the kids, I grill and we swim in the ocean or the pool. It’s nice, this future.

               “Hey Pete, come on back to earth.” Ryan’s voice breaks Pete away from his fantasy. He remembers why he’s here; he remembers what’s going to happen soon. 

               “You should marry him you know.” Pete says. 

               “What?”

               “I know you Ryan. You’ll try to save face. Keep him at a distance. You’re afraid that he’ll hurt you, that if you give everything to him you’ll be hurt. Don’t lose him.”

               “We haven’t been together that long… We’ll just… We’ll work through it.” Ryan forces himself to smile but it doesn’t fool Pete.

               “Sometimes, love can surprise you…. It comes and it’s amazing. It fills your whole body with warmth like… like the way you feel when you drink a hot chocolate in the middle of winter. You smile, you smile so much that your face hurts and you just want to wrap that person up in your arms and keep them as close to you as you possibly can. And it’s not even about the sex, I mean don’t get me wrong the sex is amazing, being intimate with the person you love is just amazing on all levels. Knowing how close you can be to them. But it’s the little things, sitting at the table eating breakfast together, just sitting there and talking for hours about the things that you love. That little smile he gets on his face when he catches you watching him.”

               “Pete what’s wrong?” Ryan asks. Pete blinks a few times and realizes that he’s started to cry. He reaches up and wipes his eyes quickly then stands up to walk over to the window to look out at the city stretching out below. He wonders if Patrick would like the view, actually he’s sure that he’d love it. He’s always had some strange love for the city.

               “I ruined him Ryan.”

               “You mean Patrick?”

               “Yeah, I ruined him. I broke him. I thought I could make it right, I really did.”

               “What happened Pete? You’re kind of worrying me.” Pete can hear Ryan walk over to him but he doesn’t look at him, he doesn’t want to answer the questions that Ryan is asking.

               “I love him Ryan. I really, really love him.” Pete leans his forehead against the glass, the lights of the city blur as his eyes fill with tears once again.

               “Pete, you need to tell me what’s going on.”

               “It’s the end. I’ve done all I can. I can’t make him happy like this.”

               “You’re breaking up with him?” 

               “I… I finished it, the serum. I can fix the mess I made of his memories. Give him back everything I took from him. I want you to take over the record company okay. That way he gets everything that he deserves.”

               “Pete you swore you wouldn’t mess around with that stuff anymore.”

               “And I swore to him that I’d get his memories back. I think… I think that’s why he stayed with me.” 

               “He stayed with you because he loves you.”

               “He’s got a temper now…. I think… I think maybe I caused some kind of imbalance in his brain. Fixing his memories should fix all that. He’s still got his apartment so I’ll hire someone to fix it for him to move back in. I think I’ll buy it too… well the record label will. Yeah that way he doesn’t have to worry about paying the rent when he’s not there. He can focus on his dreams.” 

               “Pete does he know this?”

               “Not yet.”

               “Yet?”

               “I left it next to the bed for him, with a note. When he wakes up everything will right itself.”

               “Pete what happened between you two? I thought everything was working out. You’ve got to talk to me about this.”

               “No, no I don’t have to talk about anything. I don’t think I can right now really… “

               “What are you going to do?”

               “Um well I guess I’ll just take a nap. I was going to sleep in my room… Are there any clean sheets? I’ll make up the guest room. Take care of that stuff I mentioned, the apartment and shit.” Pete walks away from the window. He gets his suitcase from where he left it by the front door and goes to the guest bedroom; he lies down on the bed without making it. It’s not long before he’s fallen into a fitful sleep.

\------

 

                Patrick isn’t sure what he expected when he makes it back to his old apartment. He isn’t sure why he actually came back here. He’d thought it would be a perfectly normal day when he first woke up. He got out of bed around ten and took a nice long shower. He was all ready to head to the studio before he noticed new objects on his bedside table, a vial with a bright orange liquid and an envelope with his name written on it. He knows its Pete’s handwriting.  He knows what the vial is too; he knows that Pete’s been up for nights working on it. Now it was finally ready. Patrick knows he should have been excited about it but instead he just had a knot in his stomach.

                For some reason he suddenly felt uncomfortable in the home that he had been sharing with Pete. He wasn’t sure if he could really trust that vial. That he could really trust Pete even after all that time, so he took the vial and he took the letter and went back to his apartment. Back to the place that he once considered home. That’s how he finds himself now, sitting on the couch with the vial in one hand and the letter in the other. He can’t remember that last time he felt so nervous. His hands are shaking as he sets the vial down on the coffee table and grips the letter tightly; taking a deep breath he opens it up and takes out the lined papers that were tucked inside.

 

                **_Patrick, ~~fuck~~ , sorry sorry I know you hate cursing. I’m tired right now so I’m sorry if I don’t make much sense. I thought and I thought but I just, I can’t give this to you in person. I can’t be there to watch your face as all your memories are returned. I can’t watch whatever love you have left for me turn to hate, because I know that’s what is going to happen. I know that you won’t want me anymore. It was hard for me but I had to accept that._**

**_I want you to know that I love you. I really and truly do. I know that things have been rough recently but I don’t hold it against you. This is my fault, since the day I walked into your record store I’ve done nothing but ~~fuck~~ screw up things for you. I’m sorry; I’m done with that now. I’m taking myself out of your life. I know that everything I did wrong can’t be properly repaired. But hopefully, hopefully me being gone will help._ **

**_I will miss you. God I’ll miss you, every second you aren’t in my arms I miss you. I’m sorry I know this isn’t the best way to say goodbye. I’m needy, and messed up. You’ll be better without me. Whatever you want is yours okay. I’m taking some liberties; I had a maid tidy up your old apartment. You don’t have to go there of course; the house is yours if you want it. I won’t be back, there’s some things I’ll need if you choose to stay but I’ve got the essentials. I should have talked to you about this I know. I’m sorry I didn’t. I couldn’t. I love you, more than anything. I guess a part of me is afraid to hear how you feel about me. How you really feel, once you have your memories back._ **

**_I promised that I’d take care of you for the rest of your life, I’ll keep that promise. I shouldn’t tell you that but you’d just get frustrated if didn’t. I’ve programmed Ryan’s number into your phone, I know you’ve said that you don’t like him but I’ve told him to give you anything you ask for. I have no feelings for Ryan. He is my friend, nothing more. Please know that. Before I got back with you I was depressed and lonely, I went to Ryan for physical comfort only. It should have stopped when you came back to me. I should have never started. Please don’t hate me. I hate myself enough._ **

****

**_Eat a good breakfast, drink the serum, be happy._ **

**_I love you Patrick Martin Stump, I love you._ **

**_-Pete_ **

Patrick sits in silence; he doesn’t know how long, he rereads the letter at least six times. His heart breaks. He gets up from the couch and makes his way to the kitchen and he isn’t surprised to find the fridge fully stocked or breakfast from his favorite restaurant in a takeout container.  He sticks it in the microwave and retrieves the vial from the living room.

                He watches the liquid slosh back and forth until the microwave beeps, then makes his way back to the kitchen. He puts his breakfast on a plate and pours himself a glass of milk. It only takes a second of hesitation before he pours the serum in. He regrets not getting orange juice when he sees the strange color that it turns the milk but he knows he has to drink it anyway. He sits at the table and eats his breakfast then washes it down with the milk.            

                Patrick get’s up and goes to his bedroom, climbing into bed. It feels cold and empty. He reaches his hand over to the other side of the bed, where Pete would normally lay. He knows it’s not just the bed that’s empty, his heart is. He never wanted to lose Pete, but he’s not the same person he was, three years, one month, five days ago.

                Sleep comes unexpectedly, but its welcome. In his dreams, he doesn’t have to be alone.


	25. Erased, disappeared, you no longer exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god. Guys this is it, the final chapter. I'm two days late but last night was absolutely insane at work and I spent the night chasing drunks around a seven story hotel instead of finishing the last few Paragraphs. But since this is the last chapter I just want to say thank you to everyone that stuck with me through all my slow updates, and probably numerous grammatical errors. I love getting all your comments. Once I've finished my other fic 'Longest distance' I'm going to be taking a short break from writing to get my life into order and I'm really going to miss it but this needs to get done. I love you all and I hope that this ending isn't too bad for you.

                Patrick can't remember the last time he was this sick. It's been five days; he woke up with a dull headache that quickly evolved into a full blown migraine. Then came the nausea, he hasn't left the bathroom for more than five minutes in the last twenty-four hours, too afraid he's going to make a mess of his apartment. He sits on the cool tile floor with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, his bangs plastered to his forehead with sweat. He feels disgusting but he can't muster the energy to drag himself the few inches to his shower. He checks his temperature once again and when he sees that it's risen to one hundred and four he decides that he needs to call someone. There's not much battery left on his phone since he couldn't be bothered to get the charger but he's pretty sure there's enough for one call.                                                                                    

                He holds the phone carefully with both hands and squints his eyes to try and focus on the numbers on the screen, he can't remember what he did with his glasses so he has to trust that he's hitting the right buttons as he types in the number from memory then puts it on speaker. It rings three times and he wonders briefly what he'll do if it goes to voicemail but before he can think about it too much the fourth ring is cut off as someone answers.         

                "Hello?" The voice that comes through the line isn't the one that he was hoping to hear and if he wasn't so dehydrated Patrick is pretty sure he'd start crying right then and there.          

                "Where's Pete?" The sound of his own voice makes him wince.         

                "Is this Patrick?" Ryan asks, with an impatient tone.     

                "Yes." The words burn Patrick's throat and he starts to cough, not bothering to cover his mouth.         

                "Pete and I have switched phone numbers. Whatever you need I'll take care of it." Ryan's voice is cold, void of any emotions. It makes Patrick's head hurt more. All he wants right now is Pete.         

                "I need Pete.” 

                 "I can't do that. You sound sick do you need a doctor?"      

                "No I don't need a fucking doctor, I need Pete."      

                "I'm going to call Andrew and ha-" The call cuts off before Ryan can finish his sentence and he looks from the phone in his hand to where Pete sits on the other side of the large metal desk. "He hung up." He informs the other man. Pete keeps his eyes trained on the computer screen in front of him and tries to steady his shaking hands. He wants to go to Patrick, wants to comfort him and take care of him until he's healthy again, but he knows that he can't. He needs to keep himself out of Patrick's life. Let the other man run his own life. Pete knows that he only causes problems for the younger man.          

"What should I do?" Ryan asks. Pete taps his finger against the laptops touchpad absently.       

"What you said, Call Andrew to check on him." Pete's trying to put on a brave face but Ryan knows him better than that. He can hear the longing in his voice, see it in his eyes, Pete's struggling with this.         

                "Are you sure?" Ryan asks once again. He isn't sure what's going on in Pete's head anymore; he doesn't understand why Pete's become so adamant about staying out of Patrick's life. It's clear that he's still very in love with the other man. Ryan has a lot of questions that he'd like to ask, but he knows better than to poke the hornet's nest. Pete glares at him for a few seconds before looking back at the screen; Ryan takes the queue and turns around heading for the door. He knows better than to mention that he saw the computer die a half hour ago.         

                "Ryan." Pete's voice is different from before, there's a hint of worry in his tone now. Ryan stops in the doorway and waits for Pete to speak again. "Check on him yourself."         

                "Yes Pete."        

                "Thank you." Ryan knows better than to mention the way Pete's voice cracked as the words left his mouth. Emotionally Pete is standing at the edge of a cliff right now. Ryan's going to do everything in his power to make sure he doesn't fall, or worse take the jump.       

                The drive to Patrick's takes a lot longer than Ryan had planned, he'd made dinner reservations and now he was sure that he'd have no way to get home and get ready in time to make them, at least he'd been planning on surprising Brendon. He can't be disappointed that Ryan's once again cancelling on him. He finds a parking spot fairly quickly across the street from Patrick's building and hurries across the busy street just narrowly avoiding a silver sports car whose driver curses at him through the window.         

                It's not the first time that Ryan's found himself at the small apartment building, several times Pete sent him to get things for Patrick but he's never actually been there while the singer was home. He doesn't bother knocking on the door, just uses the key that Pete gave him to let himself into the apartment and he immediately begins his search for the other man.       

                He finds Patrick still in the bathroom and instantly covers his nose against the stench. Patrick's curled up on the floor next to the bathtub with the blanket wrapped around him loosely shaking like a leaf. It's clear he hasn't moved in some time. Ryan makes his way into the room and reaches over Patrick to turn on the shower. It isn't hard for him to get the blanket out of Patrick's grip. He decides his best bet is to get Patrick into the shower first. He manages to lift him into the tub after checking to make sure the water isn't too hot or too cold then peels Patrick's t-shirt off of him and tosses it out of the room. Patrick seems more relaxed once he’s under the stream of water so Ryan takes a few minutes to clean up the bathroom and open up the window to get some fresh air in. He’s going to have to take Patrick to a doctor.      

                “Where’s Pete?” Patrick asks softly.     

                “At work.”    

                “Did you tell him I need him?” Ryan turns his gaze to the other man and lets out a sigh, Patrick looks fragile right now. Ryan knows better to do anything to upset him further.    

                “No I didn’t tell him. He’s got work to do that he needs to focus on. He’s distracted enough as it is.”    

                “I don’t understand it Ryan… Why did… Why did he leave me like this?”     

                “He’s afraid.” Ryan shrugs as he returns to the tub and sits down on the edge. He turns off the water before leaning in and getting Patrick’s pajama pants off him.     

                “I love him...” Patrick mumbles.    

                “He loves you too. That’s why he needs to put this space between the two of you. He doesn’t want to be hurt by you.”    

                “Why… Why would I hurt him?”    

                “He said he gave you something to get your memories back. He knows that when he was off his meds he was a bad person.”     

                “A bad person… I can’t remember that yet. Bits and pieces I get like flashes of them… but its stuff from long time ago.”    

                “I’m going to take you to a doctor now.”    

                “Will you tell Pete?”    

                “No I won’t. I’m going to protect him.”    

                “I don’t want to hurt him.”    

                “It’ll hurt him enough if he sees you like this. He’ll blame himself.”    

                “Do you love him?” Patrick asks.    

                “Yes, he’s my best friend, nothing more.”    

                “Did you ever love him as more?”    

                “No. I love my boyfriend.” Ryan smiles a bit to himself then quickly leaves the bathroom to look for a towel. He manages to find some that had been left in the dryer and brings one back to the bathroom to wrap around Patrick who’s now shivering once again. Ryan gets him as dry as he can then pull Patrick to his feet and helps him out of the tub and leads him to the bedroom. He tucks the blankets around Patrick and feels his temperature. He knows it’s going to be too hard to get Patrick to the doctor so he goes to the living room and pulls out his phone to find someone willing to make a house call.        

                Pete paces in his office. It’s killing him, he’s sure of it. He wants to tear his hair out. He wants to drop everything and run to Patrick’s side. He sounded so broken on the phone, so sad. Pete wants to just wrap him up in his arms, keep him safe and never let him go, its torment. He asks himself again and again why he’s doing this to himself, why he’s doing this to Patrick, but he knows the truth. He knows that they’re no good for each other anymore. He wants Patrick so badly but he knows that he has to let him go now. If he doesn’t then things will just get worse. Patrick’s memories will come back; he’ll be able to get proper help for the damage Pete did. He’ll be able to find happiness.    

                He has to force himself to sit back down at his desk and bring up the reports he’s supposed to be going over on his computer, he reads the words on his screen over and over but he’s unable to take in any of the information. He only lasts a few minutes before he gets to his feet once again and resumes his pacing. He decides to text Ryan to see what’s going on but when he pulls the phone out of his pocket he remembers that Ryan switched their phones and he doesn’t know the code to unlock Ryan’s. He tries a few different numbers but ends up locking the phone for thirty minutes and it takes all his willpower not to bash the phone against the wall.    

                “One two three four five six seven eight nine ten” Pete counts over and over taking deep breaths until he’s able to loosen his grip and set the phone on his desk. He’s positive he’s going to go insane.       

                “Mr. Wentz?” A woman’s voice calls out hesitantly. Pete looks over to see a secretary standing there; he can’t really remember her name though he’s pretty sure he hired her as a favor to a business partner.   

                “What?” He asks running his fingers through his hair, he’s already given up on keeping it neat today.   

                “So um there’s some guy here to see you. His name isn’t on the visitors list or anything but he says it’s really important and you’ll want to talk to him.” She smiles at him and plays with a strand of her blonde hair as she talks. Pete can tell she’s attempting to charm him but really he just thinks it’s ridiculous. It’s been quite some years since he’s met a woman he was interested in.   

                “And you had to personally come to my office to tell me this?” Pete’s got enough on his plate without dealing with this annoying girl.   

                “Oh well sorry I forgot what your extension was sooo.” Pete’s tempted to snap at her but he knows he can’t be causing any problems.    

                “What’s the name?” Pete asks as he sits back down at his desk, doing his best to ignore Ryan’s sell phone.   

                “He said his name is Michael Way.”    

                “I don’t know his name, send him away.”    

                “Oh really, sir?” She twirls her hair again.  

                “I don’t make jokes.” He glares at her. Ashlee, that’s what her name was. The smile falls from her face and she turns and walks back out of the office with a roll of her eyes, clearly not used to being turned down. The name Way is vaguely familiar to Pete but he can’t really remember where he knows it from and he really can’t be bothered to care just at that point in time. If it was someone important they should have made an appointment. Pete’s sure he should have a spot available in about three months. Whatever it was he could wait.  

                  Pete feels like he’s going to go insane. He thinks about everything he put into the concoction he gave Patrick, thinks of every negative effect each chemical could have, thinks of possible allergic reactions. All he can imagine is Patrick laying there alone slowly dying. Letting out a sigh of defeat Pete grabs his coat and heads quickly out of the office building. He has to know what’s going on.  

                Ryan lounges on the couch of Patrick’s apartment with a glass of coffee in his hand letting his eyes drift shut. He trusts that the doctor will take care of any problems that Patrick has and it’s been a few days since he’s been able to relax without Pete interrupting with something for him to do. He’s just beginning to doze off, his cup tilting to the side, when the first roll of thunder fills the air. He sits up with a start spilling a splash of coffee onto his shirt as he straightens up. Lightning flashes across the sky and it’s quickly followed the sound of the rain beating against the window. The doctor exits Patrick’s bedroom and makes his way over to Ryan, who stands up setting his mug on the end table.   

                “Well?” Ryan asks, crossing his arms over his chest.  

                “He’s going to be just fine, seems to be just a flu. I’ve given him a shot of Peramivir that should help him recover. Make sure he’s drinking a lot of fluids and washes up and changes his clothes regularly.”  

                “And if his fever spikes like that again?”  

                “I think that he’s past the worse of it now but if he doesn’t seem to get better at all in the next few days then give me another call and check his temperature regularly. If it gets back up to where it was before then I’d recommend taking him to the emergency room.”   

                “Alright.” Ryan makes a mental note to pass all of this information onto Andy or Joe when he called them to come and care for Patrick. He knows Pete expects him to stay the whole time but he really can’t stand being around sick people, he’s itching to get home and shower and then relax in bed with Brendon, not that he needs Brendon to help him relax. He definitely hasn’t gotten to the point where he has trouble sleeping if the younger man isn’t wrapped around him like some kind of octopus or something. He’d be perfectly fine if he just up and disappeared.   

                He takes out a credit card and hands it to the doctor to swipe on his phone and settle the bill for the visit, expertly signing Pete’s signature when it’s needed. He’s been doing it for a long time. He sends a text to Andy explaining the situation and telling him that someone needs to come stay with the singer then prepares to leave himself. He’s not sure what makes him do it but something draws him over to the window and he looks down at the street through the downpour of rain. He sees a figure dressed in all black standing under the street lamp on the other side of the street. Ryan lets out a groan, knowing that it could only be one person. He was hoping to avoid the rain as much as possible but clearly that’s not going to happen now.   

                Pete doesn’t mind the rain so much, even as it soaks through his coat and he begins to feel the cold through his suit. He’s stuck in an internal fight with himself as he looks up at the apartment in front of him, third floor, and fourth window from the left. There’s a faint light on in the room that’s visible from the outside. For a while Pete watched as a figure moved about the room but now the figure was gone and he could tell nothing of what was going on inside. He needed to go inside, he needed to be with Patrick. These thoughts kept running through his mind as he repeatedly told himself that no, he can’t do those things. He can’t beg Patrick to come home because the mansion was never really his home. It was never really anyone’s home. Just a cold house, filled with lies, tricks, that house was the place where everything bad in Pete’s life had begun. Yet he still couldn’t let it go. He didn’t need to drag anyone else into that house; he didn’t need to make anyone else suffer.  

                “Pete.” Pete’s startled and he takes a few steps back nearly losing his footing, he hadn’t even noticed Ryan was there. Judging by how wet his clothes had become he had been there for a few minutes, or maybe it was just raining a lot harder than Pete had thought, he’d stopped feeling the rain after a few minutes. "Come on, let's go home." Ryan places a hand on Pete's shoulder and the older man takes one last longing filled look at the apartment above him before allowing himself to be led back to where Ryan had parked his car.  

                Ryan gets Pete situated in the passenger seat before getting in himself and turning the heat on. Pete's skin is pale and his shivering a lot. Ryan debates whether or not to try and warm him up here or at home and decides that it would be easier to just go back to the pent house. Buckling himself in he starts the car and begins the drive.  

                "Go to my house." Pete instructs him.  

                "That's where I'm headed."             

                "No, the mansion."  

                "You don't need to be there tonight."   

                "No, that’s exactly where I need to be." Pete closes his eyes and reclines his seat a bit. He pulls back the cover from the sunroof and watches the rain as it splatters against the glass. He doesn't tell Ryan what he's feeling, doesn't have the heart to tell him that he's falling to pieces, that Patrick was the only thing holding him together. He stares at the sky silently counting along as the rain hits the roof. One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven... Eight... Nine.... Pete knows what he has to do to save himself. He closes his eyes, slips a tin of mints from his pocket and takes out a small green pill popping it into his mouth before offering the tin to Ryan who declines. Pete swallows the pill down and closes his eyes.  

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                The lights seem particularly blinding tonight, Patrick doesn’t mind it so much though. He almost prefers it when the lights are so bright that he can’t make out the faces in the audience. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see their fans. He adores them all, but the bright lights flashing in his eyes keep him from searching. Keep him from double checking every pair of brown eyes that stare up at him. He grips the microphone stand tightly in his hand and squeezes his eyes shut willing away the memories that threaten to surface. He cringes as his voice cracks a bit, he knows that no one else will care but he does, he’s better than this. It’s been four years, eight months, nine days since he last looked into those eyes. He’s gotten better than this.  

 

 _“He’s in a long black coat tonight,_  

 _waiting for me in the downpour outside,_  

 _He’s singing ‘baby come home’ in a melody of tears_  

_While the rhythm of the rain keeps time.”_

                Patrick can see the scene outside his bedroom window, the figures are half hidden by the rain but he’d know Pete anywhere. He wishes he’d gone out there. He wishes that he had chased after Pete. After everything, after even his memories of his first months with Pete returned, the love he felt for the other man never went away. Now it was too late. Now he could never make things right. Not now, not after Pete had chosen to forget.  

                It wasn’t part of the plan, a glitch in the system maybe, at least Patrick hopes so. Three seconds, that’s all it was. The stage lights turned off and the house lights turned on and there they were. In the middle of the crowd a pair of large brown eyes stared back into his. Three seconds seems like forever when your whole world stops. Pete was there, Pete was there in the crowd, his arm around a taller man with blonde hair. Patrick can't continue. He releases his grip on the microphone and walks off the stage, ignoring the calls of his band mates and the tour manager. He walks out the back door of the venue gets in his car and drives home to his house. It’s their final show of the tour, they’re back home in LA, everything was supposed to be good.

                “Patrick you’re home early.” Meg smiles at her husband from where she lounges on the couch, a book in her hands and her glasses sliding off the end of her nose. Patrick forces himself to smile at her as he takes off his shoes before crossing the room.

                “I couldn’t wait another second to see you.” He takes a seat on the edge of the couch and leans down to give her a kiss. He tries to ignore the small voice in the back of his head that tells him to go back to the venue and search the crowd for Pete one more time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try not to cry right now. Love you all.


End file.
